There is only so much that god, genes, genome maps, plastic surgery, money and butt-pads can do in making you actually look good. Sometimes, one must take the more difficult and yet financially more feasible method of convincing people into thinking something is true rather than actually putting in the effort to ensure it’s authenticity.
Even Angelina has bad days
Physical appearance is one such thing. We might always advocate the “I don’t care about what others think” T-shirt quote but deep down, under the carefully constructed thick shell is a gooey phlegm (sorry for the visual imagery) which demands appreciation for your other body – from the top of your head to the curve of your posterior. Here is how you can make that possible -
1. “I’m sexy and I know it”
The first thing that you must implement into your thought process is that you are sexy. Yes, you. You with the slightly hairy left nostril. You with the birthmark on your elbow that never seems to hide completely under the sleeve. You with the burnt hair due to that hair-straightener accident. You are absolutely the most gorgeous individual on this planet and as long as you believe this fact, others who don’t shall be taken aback by your confidence and will start believing you too. So, this is a good way to start.
Sometimes, it's better not to see the entire thing
2. The Social Network Posse
You shall need a few friends for this. Uploading pictures on your social networking account is something that you must be indulging in quite frequently. This can be used as an advantageous way to test your friends’ loyalty towards your cause. Make sure that you have a posse of “appreciation commentators”. This group should “like” all your pictures (irrespective of which animal you resemble in them) and comment things like “Dude, you look better than the Prince of Whales” (yes, they might write WHALES. Sigh) or “OMG Girl! You look f9″
3. The Beer Goggles
Always remember. Everything looks better when drunk. And everyone looks lovely. That is the golden rule by which you should be living. Always carry a spare bottle of some sort of mild (or strong, depending on how strongly one feels about your physical appearance) intoxicating drink which you can pull out at an opportune moment and offer to the other person. Once this has its effects, the other won’t only think that you look excellent but would also want to indulge in adult activities with you – which you may or may not choose to decline.
4 . The Other Friend
You need one friend for this. But this friend has to be a special friend. Assess all the people that you know (or have phone numbers of in the cell phone) and pick the one who you think needs to read this article (by which I mean, looks worse than what you think you look like) and always make sure that this person is your closest friend. This would help in making you look good and also in the process, you might get to learn more about this friend of yours. Remembers to never hurt someone’s feelings by going up to them and saying, “I need you to hang out with me more because you’re ugly”. Rather, the tactful, “I never feel beautiful without you by my side” would work best.
Make Sure you feature in all your photos
5. The Picture Prostitute
The trick to executing this is that you should always have pictures of you littered everywhere. Your desktop background should be a picture of you, your cell phone wallpaper, you work station should have pictures of you posing in strange (and sometimes ridiculous, yet oddly popular) ways and these pictures should be in expensive photo frames. Decorate your house with pictures of you as well and if possible get a 3:4 scaled down poster of yourself. This will of course make you look vain and according to what I have come to understand, good-looking people are always vain! So, be vain. Be the picture prostitute.
6. External Appearances can deceive
If you are like me and all those above methods didn’t work for you (in my case, they require the presence of real friends and not imaginary ones on the internet) then this is probably your last resort. Try to analyse the other aspects of your personality. Maybe you can put together a 250-piece jigsaw puzzle faster than anyone else you know of. Maybe you understood the true meaning of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Or maybe, you have in-depth knowledge of the different types of candies that Android plans to use to name its subsequent phone software versions. Whatever your true talent may lie, use that to show off your inner beauty. Also, wear a pink T-shirt with “I have attitude” written on it in silver font. It just helps the cause.
Janice Dickinson
If these aren’t enough and if you really do have the time and the patience, you can always try to learn the art of using foundation (not the cement variety) or some other make-up variation. Or you could always take the easy route of never meeting people in person and only existing as a Photoshop edited version of a picture you took several years back. Make sure it is the one where you are making the now-famous duck face.
