Posts by awaaramaseeha:

7 People To Avoid At All Times

May 12th, 2012

You must have read about the entire Mayan prediction theory which says the world might end this year and of course subsequent scientific proofs about how the entire theory is just hogwash. Either way, whether you live or die this year, here’s a list of the seven people you should avoid at any cost.

1.The soothsayers

These are the itchy idiots who should have been hunted down till extinction. Or maybe, someone could have preponed their arrival so that they could have gone with the dinosaurs. Unfortunately, since that hasn’t happened, you must avoid them. They utter sheer nonsense and keep bullshitting around with their profound ideas. Also they will never bare it all, till you give them their fee, in cash or kind, or whatever shit they demand.



2. The Front Benchers 

Most of the pain in the ass is caused by these idiots who sit on the front benches. They ruin your life by getting the top grades, the top notch jobs and your girl. Well, in some rare cases, the girls who actually have “brains” go for the bad guys and that is when we come into the equation. Sadly though, even those girls who like bad boys suddenly grow up to marry the front occupying population. So, make it a point to avoid such people lest you want to feel robbed when considering your own marriage prospects.



We take all our advice from him.

3. The advice-givers

I know, even before I mentioned it, most of you already hate them. You need to stay away from people who give advice of any sort – sane, insane, does not matter. They end up eating a lot of your time and causing plenty of brain cell deaths every time they take up the mantle of handing out unrequited advice which you have been given already.

4.The Vegans

We have only one thing to say to them, “If you love animals so much, why eat their food?”.  The reason you must avoid them is that they will bore you with their crap about caring for all living creatures and animal species, so that instead of stopping hunters and poachers, they want to stop you from eating non-vegetarian food. Little do they notice that the vegan diet doesn’t really stop global warming, does it?

5.The “Just Married” Friend 



Just married. Just broke.

A scary transformation occurs after friends get married. They get married just at the moment when you are supposed to go on that “no-rules” trip. Even if you claim that your friends getting married has no effect on you, it is common knowledge that your family makes a big deal out of it. Especially if you are nearing “marriageable” age as well. Better to avoid than to suffer.

6. The Pseudo Sports Lover

 They may not have ever played a sport. They may be over-weight and sitting on a couch for all you know. But they will still give their “expert advice” about the game and claim to know more about it than the players themselves. Unless you want to know everything about a particular team, useless information about players’ personal lives, what their wives bought for dinner and how it would affect team performance, we believe you should avoid these people at all costs.

7. The In-laws



Did someone say "mother-in-law"?

One moment they are just strangers and the next moment, BAM! You’re married and you have to call your spouse’s parents as your parents. The law is strong in this one, we say. The in-laws will forever be those people whom you have to like because your spouse wants you to, but they will never actually like you. In case you’re a girl, it will be your husband’s mother, who’ll blame you for taking her son away from her. In case you’re a guy, it will be your wife’s father who will never trust your intentions with his daughter. Best way to avoid them – never get married.

We hope you have made a list of all the people in your life who fall into any of the above seven categories. Avoid them to make this a happy, peaceful life. You can thank us for it later, we accept card.

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Seven things to avoid during sex

April 2nd, 2012

 



We are back -with vices; advice that is! This post shall let you about the seven things to avoid while having sex. Well, it’s almost like food, necessary and tasty. a

Although it is advisable not to talk during the sex, human beings will never stop talking. And since sex involves a female partner most of the times, a talkathon cannot be avoided. Thus it must be clearly told to all of you.

1. “I love you.”

Believe us – this is a spoiler. You think you will tell him/her how much you love her by saying those three magical words? Of course you love her (even if you don’t) and that is why you are in bed with her. Damn it! Never ever tell her that you love her. It always ends up working against you and the orgasm is never achieved.

2. “You want something to eat?”

Well, you are doomed! Who the fuck wants to eat in the middle of a sex session which is far more satisfying than hunger? You just ruined the perfect moment. She was oh-so-close to a orgasm and then that satisfied smile, when you asked her about the food. And voila! You turned a fantastic moment into crap.

3. “Your boobs are not that big.”

You just dropped a bomb! We agree it might be a size smaller than average or it even might be too small to hold, but one does not simply say it. Never. And for the ladies out there reading this, never-ever challenge the size of his you know what. We all know the truth, but it hurts when we hear it.

4. ”Are we done yet?”

Ever heard of the Big-O? Well, if done right, the happiness and satisfaction reflects on the face. And you just asked about it? Moron. Also let me add this, you just lost the chance for another session! So now fly solo. Well, a sex session can never be boring however boring your partner might be. Ever heard of cover the face, fuck the base? That.

5. Slap him/her too hard.

Yes, we know something by the name “spanking” exists. But here’s a reality check. If you do not know the exact force with which to spank, kindly do not try it. You might end up actually hitting your partner very hard, which doubtlessly shall evaporate all excitement. And deny you other sessions which might actually have your partner in fear of being roughed up rather than sexed up!

6. Bringing too many contraceptives

You did the right thing by taking all the preventive measures, and by following the age old  rule of better safe than sorry. However, you just instilled a sense of fear in her. Bringing too many contraceptives might just make him/her believe that it might be a one night stand and no contact after that!

7. “Are you a virgin?”

There are two reasons to avoid asking this question. One, if s/he is then they are already apprehensive about their first time ever and you are making it very obvious that they seem to look like beginners. Two, if s/he isn’t then you are just making them feel like you wanted a virgin instead. So, avoid this question during any time of the session because although there are never any stupid questions, there can be some uncomfortable ones.

All said, and probably read by you, follow these steps and you will be the King (Queen for the ladies) of those bed-romps every single time.

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How to survive a room full of children

February 27th, 2012

Children, some would say are the creation of your God. I would say, they are the reason most of the marriages happen. Loud, noisy and irritating in most cases, especially when a score of them assemble in the same room. The situations worsen when you too are present in the same room as them. And we will tell exactly how to survive your time in that room.



 Tell them they were adopted :- This should be fun. Tell the kids they are not the children of whom they consider to be mom and dad. Tell them they were picked up from some road side dustbin or adopted from some poor couple who could not afford another child. And bingo; the tears will start rolling soon. Woot!



Make sure you tell this to them

Pull their ears and make them slap each other:- This trick does incite a little violence but isn’t it just a small price to pay when you consider the important lesson of self defence these kids will be getting. Also, what else can you resort to when there are 20 kids to handle at one go. Get them engaged in fighting and beating each other up. At some point, very soon, one of them will let out loud wails of pain and his/her mother will come running. Act as if you were too busy doing something else or pacifying them.

Turn on the music :- Turn on death metal songs, teach them the lyrics of bullets for my valentine, or Metallica’s “So fucking what” and ask them to learn it and then recite it in the family gatherings. This trick may not have an immediate effect, but the next time it would ensure no kids being left with you, not even a few light years near you.

Make them do crazy things :- One final advice we can give you is to ask the kids to do some crazy, topsy-turvy exercises and hope that they get entangled. Or you can ask them to lick their own elbow till they start falling asleep. Sleeping kids, mission accomplished! You save your ass! Also in the process you can make a video which will have all the ingredients for a successful youtube video.

And now that you know the ways in which you can get rid of this responsibility of taking care of kids at social gatherings, you can spend time trying to figure out how to score that chick you are eyeing.

 

 

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Rants of a hostelite: First few months

February 20th, 2012

Hey Assholes. Yes I am pissed off. Does that count as being a social outcast? Well then, I never belonged to the society. It’s been a few months since I first moved into the hostel. This place is a serious gutter of  crap man! The room mates I have been living with are no less than bamboo splints up the ass. Bloody bastards. Who does not want to start his day by wishing his immediate neighbours a good morning. But the moment I wake up, I find my cigarettes missing. And there goes my day, down the drain. What I am offered as an explanation is just a cursory glance and a simple ” I dont know man” by each one of them. Then, my dear roomies, who the hell would know it? This place is for sure not haunted, you morons.



I didn't do it. The ghost did it.

I still pull myself out of the bed, every single day and the first thing  I see is that my slippers have been rendered wet and cannot be used. I mean how they do predict the exact things, which are sure to irritate the hell out of me. How? Then the



Okay, mine aren't so clean, but I don't like it when they are wet.

biscuit crumbs on the study table, clothes  on my chair and what not. God made them as a nemesis and room-mates all at once. I have been in this hell hole for almost six months and with each passing day I expect things to get a little better, but what is see is drastic and rapid fall in standards. The food quality has gone down from “edible with water” to “see, give a middle finger salute and get the fuck out of that place.” This is not good. Things have gone so wrong in the past six months and I can not wait to  see the end of it. I mean how bad can things go? I want to see the end of this fucking place before the Doom’s day predictions come true and the world comes to a quiet standstill.

The tube lights have not been changed. They still flicker overhead, playing hide and seek when it matters the most. Bloody Fuck! Even the fan now refuses to cooperate. Why does this world suddenly seem against me? And it is this feeling of self-victimisation that gets to all of us eventually I believe. The flickering lights and the malfunctioning fans have made writing this one piece of emotionally over-charged article difficult and almost impossible for now. I think I should clear up the bed (which just means pushing everything to one corner) and spend another night in uncomfortable slumber while the two room-mates try to match the symphony of their snores in such a way that it creates a mini Sonata called “Disturb this guy till he can’t take it any more”.



I could watch this movie on loop.

 

 

 

Another night of ears stuffed with cotton shall ensue shortly.

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Yuvraj :- You Can-Sir!

February 7th, 2012

Date:- 19 September 2007

Venue:- Kingsmead, Durban

Some guy named Andrew Flintoff exchanges a few pleasantries with this Jaat, Yuvraj Singh. It was a cricket ground. The commentator said”I wouldn’t bother Yuvraj if I were you”. And his worst nightmares came true. All the six balls that Stuart Broad bowled went flying all over the ground for sixes. Everyone in the bowling team had the expression “Bhencho Flintoff… what the fuck did you say man? “. Everyone looked as if someone just masturbated on their face and all they could was wipe it off once the performance was over! Well, ladies and gentlemen( If i can call you guys that), that’s Yuvraj Singh for you. The entire nation rejoiced those six sixes  and everytime he jumps and takes that flying catch.

 

The nation now prays for him. Indeed, the fighter that he has been, once he wins over his cancer, which he will for sure, the bowlers all over the world will rush to their Gods, bend on knees and pray. He does not even need any inspirational messages we guess, given the kind of ” Screw it, lets do it” attitude he has. But Yuvi, the nation and your fans across pray for you, were with you and will be when you come back, roaring only to smash the balls of bowlers. Ouch! Did that hurt bowlers? Well it will, it’s destined to. Let us also talk of the reasons as to why we  look forward to his return to the team and more importantly, that deadly form when he can beat the shit out of Kangaroos and score 70 in just 30 balls! The beast inside you ,Dear Yuvraj, must be unleashed and must go berserk on opposition. And sometimes, we think, the balls which disappear out of the bat of this man, have more flying hours than most of the pilots in the world. They seem to be hanging in the air, as soon as they are hit, only to disappear somewhere in the crowd when they land.

Now, when we hear about cancer, it’s just another ball you must whack out of the park. Hit some more brilliant sixes, some awesome  innings and give us reasons to  celebrate the glory of Indian cricket. We wait for you to return to the den very soon, and silence the critics who do nothing but doubt potentials. 119 meters is just a milestone buddy, come back soon. We await more.

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7 places to have SEX!

February 3rd, 2012



Welcome! And since you are reading this, we automatically assume you are either too desperate or missing some necessary action in life. Whatever the case may be, continue reading this and help yourself.  But beware, these are merely pointers deemed correct by crackheads working at Campusghanta and we don’t give a flying fuck if anything happens due to the actions performed after reading. Also, cars, beaches, nightclubs are passée’. Go ahead and read the 7 places you should consider to, umm.. how to put it decently, get laid!

1.The Apartment balcony :- Yes! You read it right. Yes, we know it’s an open area. Everybody knows its an open area! And since its an open space, the excitement increases. Neither of you can really scream midway. This generally adds on to those moans and expressions which you will remember for lifetime. Catch is, you have to make sure you do it without many people around. Avoiding those prying eyes or cameras is a challenge too. After all, you don’t want to land up on a clip named ‘Crazy people shagging in Balcony’ with familiar background on YouPorn tomorrow, do you?

2. Your berth in a Train :- This is perhaps the most promising but unexplored place to have fun of a life-time. Oh! cut the crap, sex does not mean  having your tool into hers and  sleeping. Its nothing minus the adventure. And can the adventure of having sex before so many people, without letting them know, beat it? Never. The heart races a million miles and beats like drums, when suddenly you feel that uncle on the other berth just woke up and you stop fooling around momentarily. Experience it.



Nothing beats doing it on the stairs!

3. The stairs :- Well, well, Elevators are old school. Plus it rarely happens that you get stuck in an elevator with a hottie who is willing. Try the stairs. Most probably when everyone is deep asleep. And with the given architecture, its all support. You are in a win-win situation. Best keep those moans to yourself Or else..

4.The Office :- Ah! Does this sound naughty? Dare to do this? If you guys work in the same office, your chances are far better and easy. Better still, do it in the boss’s cabin. Sneak in and out of the cabin, when the boss is not around. Score a quickie. Needless to say, if caught, you will be fired. But life..err sorry sex is all about taking chances sometimes. And oh, if you happen to find your appraisal file around,  do sneak-peek and have a look on your boss’s comments.

Pro Tip: That revolving chair can be used to its full potential.



Mile high club

5. In the flight :- Join the mile high club. Those long international flights especially when the lights are off and you have good company around sitting with you can be very interesting. Just a little fooling around under the sheets is more than enough to make you go crazy. Once you cant take it any more, it’s time to hold your partner’s hand and lead him/her to the lavatory.  The rest is self explanatory. But the thing to take care about is sneaking in and out of that place without getting noticed. Get ready Men, you might have to hoist her up in that small space.

6. The Class room :- The empty classrooms. The desks. Yes! The perfect height. Let your imagination run wild! We all have fooled in the classroom sometime or the other. Or we fantasize about doing it with the college bombshell or the young professor. Do it. Be naughty. Get spanked.

7. The Good old Bedroom :- You know what, experiments beat the shit out of comfort. The above said places should be the prequel to the actual movie which is shot in the bedroom. The Bedroom can never be outscored as a place for having sex. Light some candles, room freshener and fresh sheets to spoil will do the trick and you will have one royal night. Boy, believe us, you save a lot of money too.



P.S :- We at campusghanta give absolutely no fuck to any mishaps arising due to the above mentioned tips and tricks.

P.P.S:-  Go, get laid, instead of reading this!

 

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Rants of a Hostelilte

January 16th, 2012

How fair is it to wake up at the crack of dawn just to answer the calls of nature? Standing outside the common bathroom feeling the angst as you hear a leaky tap somewhere in the distance. As if this was not enough, standing in the queue just to ensure that your dental hygiene plans don’t go for a toss. The things that never seem to improve-

The Mess- Those horribly painful days when you’re starving and you realize that the lack of money in your wallet means you’d have to go to the mess (how appropriately named) to satiate your hunger. Only to realize a pig on a platter would look much more palatable than the food served there. 

The Room Mate-  It’s only when you sit down on your bed and feel a sudden moistness spreading through your pants that you realize your precious (and woefully not very precocious) room mate has left a present for you in the form of his wet (and possibly not clean) towel. You’ve become so numb and immune to his shenanigans that you don’t even feel a minuscule amount of disgust trying to wade through his underwear to lay the towel somewhere on his study (a fictitious term in the hostel) table.

The Warden- When the warden first meets you, he  promises you the moon, the stars, the entire galaxy and then, when it comes to action, he ends up being the most excruciatingly painful aspect of your hostel life (quite like that ex-boyfriend, isn’t it ladies?). Those impromptu raids right at the moment when you decide to count those beer bottles in your room as a tribute to all those drunken nights spent on the roof top. Those disciplinary committees that claim to decide the fate of your life but only prove to be a blessing in disguise when they decide to throw you out (more like release you) from the hostel.

The Other Villains- Those flickering tube lights (if you’re lucky enough to have a tube light in your room) and light bulbs that seem to PMS every time right at the eve of the semester exam, those annoying seniors who have been in the final year for the last four years, making them wish you and asking you to do all sorts of unmentionable activities all in the name of  ”introduction”  only reiterate the fact that laws and regulations in India only  exist in name and are never actually implemented.

These are only the few things that have bothered us some time or the other in our hostel life. However, of course this isn’t enough. Continue reading our “Hostel Series” to know more (if you have never lived in a hostel) or relate more (if you have suffered the fortune of being a hostel dweller).

 

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Too Sunny in here..eh?

December 7th, 2011

The Indian media as usual went gaga over a foreign entry (Read Sunny Leone. What? You Disagree? Well..remember Hina Rabbani Khar ?). And unlike every other Indian in the 17-47 age group, i did not search for her HD wallpapers or her videos (#confession I have seen enough of her already!) or the Wikipedia to read about her.



However, we are blessed with what our highly placed sources have found about Mrs. Leone (yes, she is married) blessing Bollywood with her presence in a feature film and what prominent people in our country are saying about her.

Digvijay Singh :-  Iske Peeche RSS ka haath hai ! Well this guy is either a maniac or some RSS agent has fled with his niece! Duh! Every other thing in this country has some RSS  named agency backing  them. They have absolutely nothing better to do.

Rahul Gandhi :- We can stop 99% of such attacks! Ah! The Darling of media, and  indeed the apple of his mom’s eyes, isn’t it? And dear sir, if i dare call you so, if the 1% is  Sunny Leone in a Bollywood  movie, what would 100% be, I wonder.

Kapil Sibal :- Seems like a nice prospect! We will have this added to JEE syllabus from next year! Ok! Hello Mr.HRD-ruining-Minister, not everything you deem fit to be studied can be forced down our throats. Get  this fact. The sooner the better!

Sonia Gandhi :-  We condemn such things and we will have it examined by the central agencies! First of all, kindly get your accent right! No mixing Italiano and Hindi. And secondly,Madam, either get into the government  or stop controlling it. Don’t make us feel like a nations of bots!

Sharad Pawar :- Do we have anyone named Harvinder Singh involved in this ? I pity this poor man. He bore the brunt of the common man’s anger. But yeah sir, What happened could happen again,without a doubt. Better buck up and quit this scam thing or keep getting slapped; you prefer!

Mahesh Bhatt :- I am not casting  Sunny Leone for her body ! I wanted to approach an actress who not only has the physical attributes but also the emotional ‘edge’ to carry off the complexity of the role.Yeah! Right..  and we thought, you cast her so that she could appear in Anup Jalota’s next album. Or may be appear with you on a religious channel’s early morning rants (oops! chants!!).  Sorry dude, we got it wrong this time. Emotional edge my ass!



Emraan Hashmi :- I  will do as Bhatts say ! Dude, we aren’t blaming you. Married, but how to say NO is the confusion, and thus best leave it to the one who shall pay! Cheers mate, you are one lucky monkey. We envy you! Yep!

Rakhi Sawant :- Mai ek bhartiya naari hoon. I will never do such type of films. Yay! Nobody likes animal porn. Maybe somebody does. But.. *Sigh* But finally some sense into you, Miss Swayambar! God bless you! Oh! wait.. did they offer you any film as of now?

Harbhajan Singh:- Did I make it large ? Nailed it mate.. you nailed it. You made it so large that they prefer not to carry you any where with the team. Man! What has happened to you? Go watch the film and show them who is the Daddy! Yeah. Like that!

Manmohan Singh :-                                                                                        !! What??When is the last time u heard him speak, and that too without a script and order from high command. Then why bother him now?

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It is not over yet!

August 31st, 2011



Howdy Manmohan Ji,

I hope, Ok i shall believe, you are Good. After your government was forced to bend in-front of Anna and his team, I just wanted to ask, what now? Its not that your ministers ever cared for the common man and his needs, but that one man screwed with your entire kingdom downright!  And we loved it, no seriously, we loved it! Few people pointed out that down in all your thoughts was a sense of fear that once Anna gets what he wants, you would have to hide all of your faces in the sand like an ostrich. But I dared to think beyond! I know how tough is it to get under the skin of politicians and let alone getting under the skin of greats like Digvijay ji, Sibal ji, Chidambaram ji etc.

The war aint over yet. Somehow i feel this is a dirty trick your government  played Mr,beyond your prime, Prime Minister. And let me, on the behalf of my country say that the war aint over yet. Its just the beginning. We have had enough. Keep your money as safe as you can, in what ever bank of the world you deem fit to, and we shall bring it back to India sooner or later. That’s a common man’s promise to you. I know it will take seconds for you to take this write up off circulation, but how many will you stop? We are that force which is going to blow corruption sooner that your ministers and its lobbyists can think of.

What Anna did, was waiting to explode for years. I agree with you on the fact that all of us voters have been dumbasses to choose leaders like your government has, but i assure you it was a mistake. Never again. Ok. Let me make this crystal clear. Come next elections and the mandate is already against your Government or what ever you call it. You have idiots who are seriously suffering from foot in the mouth syndrome, people who dont know they are neck deep in shit and point out  other’s faults before they can realise their own undies are soiled.

I do not write this as I yearn the much coveted “likes” and “share” on social networking websites, but to awaken rest of the Sleeping Souls of what we are against. Time beckons and that we are the next revolution is the fact established. We need young fresh blood to join politics and re-define it. And please do not call Mr.Rahul Gandhi a young leader and make us laugh. Let me not even start talking about his Game-Changer. Lol!

If a 74 year old Anna can do it, so can we (And sir, so can you too). The revolution shall be ours.

India is Me and I am India.

VANDE MATARAM

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Screw us Mr. Terrorist

July 15th, 2011



Dear Mr Terrorist

I live in the world’s largest democracy. Yes! The same country which has been ruled by kings and kingdoms for ages and where everyone has got something. Here, you are also welcome. To kill us. To rape the harmony that exists. We and the whole system knows, you fanatics come from some country “X” and kill us in our homes and we do not do anything. Oh wait! Actually we cannot do anything. You have analysed the situation well. All we can do is to condemn the attacks, sulk afterwards and announce a sum for the kith & kin of the deceased. Isn’t this a lovely system which we follow? We have a Prime minister, Home minister and a central cabinet for the sake of condoning attacks that are carried out on us and then give us our compensation.



Indian?

We also have some of your friends (read Kasab/Guru) in our custody. But they have more security than the common man could ever dream of. And like 1993,2006,2008 and now 13th July 2011, please feel free to come to this nation and wish your friends a very happy stay in this lovely country which runs on the ancient Hindu tenet of “अतिथि देवो भवः” (Guest is god).
Our government does not give a damn to who dies and who does not in such blasts, so why should you. And moreover, this is your JOB. Keep doing it. Keep Killing us.

And why only Mumbai everytime! Come to each fucking metro, city and town we have and kill us. We deserve to die since we chose a government,which claims to prevent 99% of the terror attacks. Show them how costly that 1% can be! We chose a government which has dickheads in power and we too need to be taught a lesson. But this is what makes me angry and furious over you terrorists. Why kill us? DO WE REALLY DESERVE TO DIE? 



99% Attacks stopped! Hurray!

The answer is (and listen to it with all your ears wide open) HELL NO!  We do not deserve to die. We did not elect dumbfucks to become our leaders. They become so once they ass-u-me power. They toast to their success while the common man dies of hunger. But enough is enough. Don’t ever meet me or i swear to god, before you kill me I shall rip you and your country into so many pieces that even your leaders shall refuse to count. Enough has been said and enough has been written. Ranting a few words shall not help the cause, and I wonder if arms in hands is the need of the hour. So what, if the government cant protect me. This is my house and i am going to clean it of all the pests that come in my house. And as someone said, no motherf**ker can decide on our fate by pressing buttons and making hoax calls. Once more you have tried to molest our modesty and this time I am big enough to understand what needs to be done. And for you dear politician, I shall kick your ass so hard that it shall become impossible for you to sit in peace.

Enough said and enough written. And this is a strict warning. Please do not test our patience. This generation is not like the one before. Neither are we tolerant nor are we spineless. We are here to clean up the mess which they created and we vow to punish the perpetrators of every heinous crime against this nation and it’s people.

We are resilient by force and not by choice!

Avoid coming back here again. We, now, understand that ‘Ahimsa’ is overrated.

-The angry Indian.

 

VANDE MATARAM



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