Name: Bengalan

Web Site: http://www.campusghanta.com

Bio: Bong. Well-endowed in every sense of the word. Midnight rising. Over-analysing. Dangerously quiet. Addicted to strangers. Likes looking into broken mirrors and other such reflections to understand how evil she's becoming.

Posts by Bengalan:

The Chat Room – A Past Revisited

May 10th, 2012



Intense thinking, restless typing for hours on the keyboard, waiting for that ping so that you could finally start a private chat with someone who had caught your interest for a while. You would start with a Yahoo email id, download the Yahoo Messenger and sign in. With bated breath you wait for the sleeping, grey Yahoo emoticon face to wake up and beam with a certain joy, a wicked smile. Almost as if it’s telling you, “Once you go in, you can never come out”. You don’t realise it then, but you’re caught.

Now you’ve reached the place where you can choose your Chat Room. It’s like you choose your domain. It could be anything – Pokemon, Harry Potter, a regional chat room (if you’re the type who needs to socialize with people around your area) and so many more. It was heavenly, it was like talking to someone who is always listening, and listening to someone who is always talking. Create your own fancy “Avatar” (this was before the Na’vi and that failed movie by M. Night Shyamalan) so that you never have to reveal your bad hair days or acne to the world. Instant acceptance, instant gratification and instant messaging – all went hand-in-hand (in a strange, three-hand alien sort of way).



 

The Dreams Come True

So, maybe your Yahoo Chat Room experience wasn’t as elaborate as mine, maybe you got bored in a few hours and left. Nevertheless, I made a variety of friends across different time zones. People who claimed to be living in various exotic locations (like Kerala) and had such interesting lives. The only problem was that I had made up a different life for each one of them, so there used to be a lot of reading of hat history involved before I could safely ping these people and talk to them. Also, these conversations involved thinking like a 25 year old woman, a 17 year old boy and a 30 year old woman at the same time. Intense? Yes. Cumbersome? Never. There were of course mundane claims that I’d make to all my “online friends” – “I look a lot like that animated avatar”, “I like you too!”, “Of course I’ve read that book!”. It was such a lovely place for people to congregate and discuss about social events and well, okay hit on other people of course.

The Dream Ends

An unthinking decision on my part ruined everything. Who knew that installing a web-camera with a child-like greed in the eyes would result in the destruction of the very world that meant everything at that stage. One moment, I was just an avatar, with no way in which people could see the real me. The next moment, I was agreeing to “Do you have a web-cam? Can you turn it on?” questions without making sure that my hair were in place or that maybe acne season was not the best time to show yourself off to the world. It was too late, and here’s how it went-

young_ayush: So u hv cam nw??

<mylastname><myfirstname>@yahoo.com: Ya! I do….itz awsm1

<mylastname><myfirstname>@yahoo.com: *! sry.

young_ayush: cul. put it on?

<mylastname><myfirstname>@yahoo.com: nw…? lets tok mre. 

young_ayush: v hv tokd 4 so mny dayzz! put it on na….

<mylastname><myfirstname>@yahoo.com: k..k. w8.

This is where I proceeded to turn on the webcam, keeping the video on for myself to see as well. With weird open, oily hair and strange effects that the poor lighting had, coupled with the low-quality web-cam I bought, the effect created by my video was quite horrific. young_ayush logged off, his chat icon on offline, without saying a word, after just two minutes of streaming.



That’s when I realized that there was no way in which I could modify the video settings enough to make him understand that I didn’t really look that bad. Also, it made it obvious that in the chat-rooms, they might tell you that they love talking to you, but the moment they realize that you’re actually just a chubby kid on the other side, they disregard your words.

Of course, it helps that online chatting became rapidly “un-cool” and Yahoo! today is relevant only because of Flickr. Nevertheless, there was something about that place, which draws me back to its corridors, replaces this hollow shell with a sense of belonging.

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The Child Inside

May 3rd, 2012
Could not have written this one if it wasn’t for a funny conversation I ended up having with @Sigh_Baba

As we grow older, we abandon the mundane. That’s what causes our downfall, I think. 

 

Okay, now that I’ve used some XML tags in the beginning, I believe that I’ve made a fairly funny statement and can go on with the rest of this article without any more failed attempts at humour. Only because i think that what you’re going to read next is unintentionally bizarre and I take a great personal risk as I share this with the world, with you.
Here are a few theories I had as a child (which means till about two years back, I believed all of this was true) -

1. The Pepsi Plant

At the tender age of 7, our entire class was told that we’d be going to visit the “Pepsi plant” in Greater Noida. At that age, one didn’t really worry about the cellulite in thighs so Pepsi was a preferred drink. We were all very excited, getting the consent form signed from parents, running around, the whole class was discussing Pepsi during recess.

However, it seemed to me very puzzling that we were going to a tree that gave Pepsi as a fruit. It clearly didn’t look like a conventional fruit and we hadn’t discussed it in Biology. So this mythical “Pepsi plant” bothered me for days till we finally went on that field trip and I realised that it was only a factory.

Lesson learnt- A plant doesn’t always refer to a living creature. A gardener is not also known as Plant Manager. 

2. The Boomer Cancer



I want a tattoo

I had an insane addiction to Boom-Boom-Boomer chewing gums when I was around 9. It was unstoppable, the insatiable hunger to chew on gum the entire day, those ads featuring children chewing on Boomer and become irrationally happy – they drove me wild. Of course now I only remember that good-looking Boom-Boom-Boomer man in Spandex…ahem. Anyway, back to the innocence of childhood.

The Boomer packets had tattoos inside them and my whole hand would be covered in strange discoloured fake tattoos of dragons and warriors. Tired of seeing them, I was told by my mother that if I put a tattoo for the third time, I’ll get cancer for sure. But only on the third application of the tattoo. I forgot about that warning till I realised I already had three tattoos on my hand and I spent ten scary days wondering whether I was going to die, hugging my mother at every instance. My whole life (of a mere nine years) flashed before my very eyes.

Lesson learnt – Cancer is bad but Boomer does not cause cancer.

 

 3. Boys were diseases, I think 

This was more like what we used to discuss in school around the age of 12. Our bodies were changing (okay, mine wasn’t showing rapid changes like some of the other girls) and we were looking at things differently. We felt mature and childish at the same time. However, the thing that tore us apart everyday was our perception of the opposite sex. I never understood when to make the transition between hating or loving them. One day we would regress back to the 6-year-old phase of thinking that boys were dirty, little creatures; the next day we’d talk about how dreamy that guy in 7th grade looked when he smiled. Then we thought about how “they do their thing standing…eew” and the next moment we were “he asked me for my notebook today”. Things had reached dizzying heights of confusion. Thankfully the full-blown hormones kicked in soon, saving us from further deliberation.

Lesson learnt – Boys are stupid, only till you’re thirteen and a half.

 

 

 4. Stepmothers are evil

Now this one is clearly marketed via fairy tales and old Bollywood cinema, so one can’t blame poor children from thinking that way. However, at the age of 8, I used that in a reverse psychology fashion where every time my mother forced me to eat more vegetables, do my homework or sleep on time, I’d go into defensive mode and demand her to “give me back my real mother” and accuse her of being the step-parent. I’m sure she forgave me, but I believe it must have been a little painful to endure. But hey! Don’t blame me, what with Cinderella and Snow White and the entire “sauteli maa” happening all around, once couldn’t really trust anybody without a paternity test.

Lesson learnt – If you look almost exactly like her, she’s most probably your mom.

 

5. What is she wearing underneath? 



How does she manage to expose shoulder?

Now this was somewhere around 13 where most girls had crossed over from the under-shirt to the fully mature brassiere and some of us were still languishing behind in that department. This meant that some girls were more superior, more womanly and also there was a fear that we (okay, just the not so well-endowed me) would not fully turn into women or men when we grew up, but would remain somewhere in the middle.

This also meant that whenever I saw one of those actresses wearing a strapless gown or a spaghetti top, I’d just sit and wonder what she was wearing underneath, considering my collared shirt could barely contain my under-shirt at times. It would make me a little jealous at times, but as they say, time endows all.

Lesson learnt – Double sided tape can do wonders. 

 

6. Clouds are just cotton candy

 Every fair, circus visit meant stuffing my mouth with lots of cotton candy. It was (is) so delicious. The spun sugar on a thin wooden stick really made me melt as it did the same on my tongue. Well, at that age, it was all the melting I wanted in my mouth, really. So my first airplane ride from Bombay to Madras at the age of 6 meant that it was my big chance to finally grab all the cotton candy that I possibly could, for which reason I refused to eat the in-flight meal (which was a good idea, considering it was Air India). I was sure I’d get my fill of the cotton candy clouds we were flying above. To my dismay, the air-hostess informed me that windows could not be opened and in the subsequent years I also learnt about cloud formations and how they contain water droplets. So, the cotton candy in the sky theory just drowned in the logic of science.

Lesson learnt – Not everything that looks delicious is edible. 

Although these misconceptions are only a few of the many that I had, they probably helped a great deal in preserving the idea of innocence, for as long as they could. Did you have any such childhood experiences? Feel free to share. 

 

 

 

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Everything tastes better than skinny

April 24th, 2012



A recent word that I came across on the internet puzzled me for a while because I didn’t really know how to understand it. The word was “Thinspo”. A quick check on Google (all hail the overlord that is Google) though provided some startling new information about a phenomenon that has caught up on the internet.



Thinspirational Collarbones

“Thinspo” or “Thinspiration” is roughly defined as putting together the words Thin and Inspiration to help people who want to “get thin” by enabling them to look at pictures of anorexic models and celebrities. So, we have people looking at stick figures and exclaiming, “so beautiful, thin” or “I wish I had thin thighs like that” or “Lend me your clavicles!” (no jokes here, that was an actual comment). After browsing through several thinspo pictures, I tried doing two things -

1. Quickly pushed my finger deep into my mouth till I could induce some sort of vomit and subsequent regurgitation of the copious amounts of chocolates I had consumed.

2. Calling up people and asking them if this phone conversation made me look fat.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t find some of those Thinspo women beautiful, or that I didn’t want to be like them. Of course, who doesn’t want a flat stomach, a cute little derrière and those lovely thin arms? But then, at what price? Do we sacrifice that awesome Shrek toy that we get in those McDonalds Happy Meals just to lose a little weight? Never. That would be foolish. Do we stop drinking Coke and switch to its horrible Diet variation only because we want to fit into a size zero dress (which makes me wonder, I’ve never really come across a size zero dress size yet)? Do we substitute cheese with lettuce, chicken with soy and chocolates with cigarettes? That now, is a horrible proposition.

The saddening reality of these Thinspo images and links on the internet are that instead of promoting a healthy way to lose OPTIMAL (yes, I said optimal) amount of weight, they seem to be advocating pro-mia behaviour among teens, and sometimes adults.  Habits like not eating for days, surviving on just water and coffee, indulging in incessant smoking just to lose weight. India, a country generally known for the more curvaceous body type, also had its Thinspo in the form of a popular Bollywood actress who came down several dress sizes to a well-rounded 0. I don’t know about you, but I preferred the chubby variation. Those curves that sizzle in a traditional attire can never be replaced by the coat-hanger with a sari draped around it.



It isn't just the women

Of course, some preventive measures are being taken with Instagram banning Thinspiration pictures, after Pinterest and Tumblr but they aren’t fool-proof as one can always search for the keyword and find those links. Also, how long will we ban something from the internet when every little girl has the best Thinspo with her almost all the time- Barbara Millicent Roberts, better known as Barbie (with that creepy, continuous smile).

The real change in perception will only come about when people realise that being too thin is just as dangerous as being over-weight. The truth is that while exercising and following a proper diet are viable ways of looking and feeling healthy, we are just too lazy to do both so not eating for long stretches of time or living on a meagre diet of grapefruit seems easier to follow. So, for every woman who proclaims that “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” I’d suggest them to get better restaurant listings.

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5 Chick Flicks You Should Avoid

April 17th, 2012

You know how you have to woo this pretty young thing who has caught your fancy and she happens to be one of those girls? Those  girls who drag you around by the hand (which triggers strange maternal visuals in your mind from when you were 7 years old and trying to cross the road on your own) to indulge in rather painful experiences like shopping. Well, another thing that such girls like doing is getting comfortable with their lovers and then making them watch some horrbile chick flicks. And you thought this would be your chance to get ahead with her ? How wrong were you.

Here’s a list of the chick flicks that you need to avoid-

 

1. The Ugly Truth 

 



Gerard Butler has the attitude that can knock the socks off people and he finds his opponent in the form of Katherine Heigl who refuses to fall for his charm, however eventually falls for him after they confess their love on national news in a hot-air balloon. There were just too many clichés happening in that storyline. Also, the movie somehow seems to stress on the fact that no matter how successful the woman might be, or how talented, the only way she can get the man of her dreams is by wearing a push-up bra and a cocktail dress. For a woman who is shown as a successful working professional, Heigl seems to have very little confidence when it comes to holding a conversation. The ugly truth is – this chick flick is just plain ugly.

2. The Twilight Saga

 



 

If your girl wants to take you to watch this particular movie (pick any out of the series), then you are probably dating a teenager or a woman yet to reach some sense of maturity. Depicting the story of a girl who falls in love with a vampire and also has feelings for a werewolf we worry that this movie might prompt girls to look at bestiality and animal rights in a whole new way. For the way in which Kristen Stewart fails to emote anything other than the expression that you have while watching paint dry, the strangely white Robert Pattinson who *sparkles* and the Salman Khan of Hollywood (yeah, we did it first here) Taylor Lautner who cannot keep his shirt on, we advice you to ditch the movie and the girl.

3. The Proposal 



A dominating female boss forces her assistant to get married to her so that she can keep her U.S. visa and avoid deportation to Canada. Well, the jokes about Canada never seem to cease but this movie just makes the whole thing worse. With a versatile actress Betty White getting completely wasted in this and Sandra Bullock gyrating to lyrics which include “..sweat drip down my balls” in the middle of a forest, if anyone ever sends you the proposal of indulging in a cinematic experience with them involving this particular film, we’d suggest you to run in the opposite direction.

4. 50 First Dates

 

 

Don’t you just despise first dates sometimes with all the awkwardness, the lack of fulfilling physical contact and the uncertainty that you may not see this person again? Well, multiply that feeling fifty times, add Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore and you have the perfect recipe for a failed chick flick. Drew Barrymore suffers from a condition where she remembers things only before the fateful accident that made her forget and Adam Sandler is the man who has taken up the noble mission of wooing the lady every single time, even though she does not remember him. If the boring repetition doesn’t kill you, the crass humour definitely will.

 

5. Sex and the City 2 

 



We don’t even know where to begin when it comes to describing the awful that constitutes this particular movie. As if one wasn’t enough, the makers had to go ahead and produce a sequel to the movie based on the popular television series. Showing the four women in the lead as those who only believe in food, fashion, fashion and more fashion this movie looks like an episode of Project Runway gone wrong. Let’s not even discuss the various pathetic stereotypes that they have managed to ridiculously potray (burka-clad women wearing Dior gowns underneath). This movie will make your brain hurt for days with its sheer ludicrous content. After watching you might have to boil your eyes out and hope for a Memento-ish memory failure.

Although the list could continue forever (yes, those many chick flicks have failed) a few more notable movies to avoid at all costs include - A Cinderella Story, Dr. T & the Women, Crossroads, Bride Wars and so many more. So stay safe and convince yourself that taking your woman shopping is a better idea.

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The Mourning Jog

March 27th, 2012



 

There has been a surge in the minds of people in this country to incline themselves towards the cause of keeping fit. They want to live longer, and the longer they live, the more they want to “reverse” signs of ageing and decay. Now I am a big appreciator of decay – some of the finest things in life are obtained from the very process of ageing. Like wine and wisdom. And moss. However, soon I realised why fitness has taken such an important place in the lives of people. Someone (boyfriend) gifted me weighing scales as a “Get Well Soon” present and I happened to stand on them. The number that was displayed left me gasping for breath and that is when I realised that I needed to get fit. Empty pockets ensured that fitness would have to be done in the nearby park in the early hours of the morning when no one would be able to see me in my embarrassing track-pants (hot pink seems like a good idea only in theory) and that’s when I noticed the different varieties of morning fitness enthusiasts -

 

1. The Fire-breathing Dragon

This category of fitness expert likes to breathe out invisible fire while performing the daily morning routine of keeping healthy. So whether you’re walking three inches behind them or maybe two kilometres away, you will be able to hear them blowing away like a steam engine. However, there is a technique that they follow which involves the selective use of nostrils to breathe in and breathe out. Handle with caution and do not approach without proper insulation.

2. The Short Shorts

It is quite easy to identify these joggers. They come in two types – Men who wear really short shorts and make you squirm because of all the hairy thigh exposure (worse is if these men are old) and Women who wear really short shorts and make you forget the real purpose of why you were there anyway. So, all in all, this category is the worst since they distract you visually from your aim of losing weight.



3. The Slow and Unsteady

These are the kind that are like speed bumps on an otherwise smooth road. Their main purpose is to bring you down to their speed since they cannot keep pace with yours. Once you fall into their comfortable trap, morning jogs for you shall be reduced to morning walks and swiftly will degrade to morning crawl. However tempting it may be to walk behind them, take charge of your life and swiftly move ahead.

4. The Park Benchers

It’s one thing to be tired after a nice run and then sit down on the park bench to catch your breath for a bit, but it’s another thing altogether to just visit the park because you got bored of the seating arrangement in your house and the park bench seemed like a better idea. These people can be recognised by the way in which they sit on the park benches the entire duration of your workout and even after that. Of course, they are at the risk of being the target of a bird that ate too much, so you are better off without them.

5. The Athletes

Remember that photograph you saw on the “iwishilookedlikethis dot tumblr dot com” ? Well, the athletes personify those tumblr pictures quite literally. They are the ones that everyone in Joggers’ Park envies. They are the dress size you aspire to fit into. They have the hair that makes you want to go to a temple in South India and sacrifice your own hair. Ah yes, the athletes can be found doing all sorts of circuit running all around the park, without breaking into a sweat.

Ultimately, I gave up my morning plan to jog and get fit, as I realised a few weeks later that all I kept doing was looking and trying to classify other people who frequented that place. Trying to shed the kilos never seemed this difficult!

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Coming out of the Indian Closet

February 29th, 2012

“I mean, just look at that ass. You know, it clearly looks like he’s been working out quite furiously in the gym!”  followed by a gentle smile of apparent fantasizing.

“I agree, he has something special about him. But darling, you’re not far behind yourself” followed by a lean as he kisses to assure his partner that no man’s delicious derriere can come in between the love that they share.

A plausible scenario that you probably expect between a man and a woman and yet, there will be very few who can accept this to be something that two homosexual people would discuss sitting in a coffee shop, sharing one of those romantic dates.

The current scenario in the country reflects that our Government* is clearly “undecided” about the case of homosexuality, which means that they are unable to understand whether it should be classified as a criminal offence or not. Yes, in the 21^st century, where we all talk about freedom and liberal behavior, being gay, is still considered to be a taboo.



Remember all those times when one of your male friends would suggest that the pink tie would look good on the white shirt? When some he had a slightly effeminate voice? When he was a little more concerned about his general appearance and cleanliness than you were? Ha ha, that’s so gay man.

It is unnatural.

We have been taught of the unnatural aspect of it. It is unnatural for you to want another man to kiss you (assuming you’re a man reading this sentence). It is unnatural for me, as a girl, to fantasize about another woman. A transgender is someone you should be afraid of, not maintain eye contact with and definitely shun that person from society’s acceptance. A bi-sexual person is just bizarre and probably a prostitute/gigolo trying to indulge in rampant acts of copulation with both sexes. We might forget the names, faces, incidents of all those people who indulge in sexual harassment, rape, eve-teasing, wife-beaters. We might even integrate them back into society because after all, time heals all wounds. But a homosexual is never forgotten. He/She shall always bear the social stigma attached only because he/she dared to fall in love with someone of the same sex.

It will disturb the balance of society.

The society right now is an ideal one. Man falls in love with woman. Woman falls in love with man. Or, the more apparent but less talked about phenomenon- woman is biologically designed to have a man inside her. How would a woman accommodate another one of her kind? The balance of society shall be disturbed with little boys and girls being confused about whether to be homosexual or heterosexual, unless they are told repeatedly that they must copulate with the opposite sex. So, no matter how many young girls are left as pregnant teenagers on the streets, no matter how many girlfriends are carrying scars of acid burns on their face, one must not disturb this balance of society. But how will mankind create more progeny? Because creation of progeny is the only desire of humans and not taking care of the vast population of starving children we already have.

I am gay.

It is termed as “coming out of the closet” because it is the dirty secret that one would hide along with the other skeletons in the closet; because the revelation of this one secret shall cause embarrassment to all those who are near me; because your association with someone who “bends the other way” shall be ruinous for your repute. The closet isn’t the one where I am coming out from; it is the one you are going to push me into if I tell you about the love that I nurture. It is different from your idea and hence not acceptable.

We are homophobes

Why must we blame the government for being narrow-minded? We are a country of prejudiced views, stereotypes and homophobia. We may act shocked and hurt when someone calls us any of those but deep down we are. However, we cannot blame it on human nature; it is more like a human disease of hatred and distrust.

The government is only a representation of what we think. If you are brave enough to accept someone’s sexual preferences, then you are not special, you are not the next in line for the “Most Socially Accepting Person” award. You are only being human. And being human is what we seem to be the worst at these days.

 

[P.S: The term 'Supreme court' has been changed by 'Government' after being pointed out by awesome people who, surprisingly, read the entire article. We apologise and thank you all!]

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How To Convince People That You Look Good

February 18th, 2012

There is only so much that god, genes, genome maps, plastic surgery, money and butt-pads can do in making you actually look good. Sometimes, one must take the more difficult and yet financially more feasible method of convincing people into thinking something is true rather than actually putting in the effort to ensure it’s authenticity.



Even Angelina has bad days

Physical appearance is one such thing. We might always advocate the “I don’t care about what others think” T-shirt quote but deep down, under the carefully constructed thick shell is a gooey phlegm (sorry for the visual imagery) which demands appreciation for your other body – from the top of your head to the curve of your posterior. Here is how you can make that possible -

1. “I’m sexy and I know it”

The first thing that you must implement into your thought process is that you are sexy. Yes, you. You with the slightly hairy left nostril. You with the birthmark on your elbow that never seems to hide completely under the sleeve. You with the burnt hair due to that hair-straightener accident. You are absolutely the most gorgeous individual on this planet and as long as you believe this fact, others who don’t shall be taken aback by your confidence and will start believing you too. So, this is a good way to start.



Sometimes, it's better not to see the entire thing

2. The Social Network Posse

You shall need a few friends for this. Uploading pictures on your social networking account is something that you must be indulging in quite frequently. This can be used as an advantageous way to test your friends’ loyalty towards your cause. Make sure that you have a posse of “appreciation commentators”. This group should “like” all your pictures (irrespective of which animal you resemble in them) and comment things like “Dude, you look better than the Prince of Whales” (yes, they might write WHALES. Sigh) or “OMG Girl! You look f9″

3. The Beer Goggles

Always remember. Everything looks better when drunk. And everyone looks lovely. That is the golden rule by which you should be living. Always carry a spare bottle of some sort of mild (or strong, depending on how strongly one feels about your physical appearance) intoxicating drink which you can pull out at an opportune moment and offer to the other person. Once this has its effects, the other won’t only think that you look excellent but would also want to indulge in adult activities with you – which you may or may not choose to decline.

4 . The Other Friend

You need one friend for this. But this friend has to be a special friend. Assess all the people that you know (or have phone numbers of in the cell phone) and pick the one who you think needs to read this article (by which I mean, looks worse than what you think you look like) and always make sure that this person is your closest friend. This would help in making you look good and also in the process, you might get to learn more about this friend of yours. Remembers to never hurt someone’s feelings by going up to them and saying, “I need you to hang out with me more because you’re ugly”. Rather, the tactful, “I never feel beautiful without you by my side” would work best.



Make Sure you feature in all your photos

5. The Picture Prostitute

The trick to executing this is that you should always have pictures of you littered everywhere. Your desktop background should be a picture of you, your cell phone wallpaper, you work station should have pictures of you posing in strange (and sometimes ridiculous, yet oddly popular) ways and these pictures should be in expensive photo frames. Decorate your house with pictures of you as well and if possible get a 3:4 scaled down poster of yourself. This will of course make you look vain and according to what I have come to understand, good-looking people are always vain! So, be vain. Be the picture prostitute.

6. External Appearances can deceive

If you are like me and all those above methods didn’t work for you (in my case, they require the presence of real friends and not imaginary ones on the internet) then this is probably your last resort. Try to analyse the other aspects of your personality. Maybe you can put together a 250-piece jigsaw puzzle faster than anyone else you know of. Maybe you understood the true meaning of Franz Kafka’s Metamorphosis. Or maybe, you have in-depth knowledge of the different types of candies that Android plans to use to name its subsequent phone software versions. Whatever your true talent may lie, use that to show off your inner beauty. Also, wear a pink T-shirt with “I have attitude” written on it in silver font. It just helps the cause.



Janice Dickinson

If these aren’t enough and if you really do have the time and the patience, you can always try to learn the art of using foundation (not the cement variety) or some other make-up variation. Or you could always take the easy route of never meeting people in person and only existing as a Photoshop edited version of a picture you took several years back. Make sure it is the one where you are making the now-famous duck face.

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Hostel California – Such a lovely place?

February 6th, 2012



Here’s the scenario- You’ve just woken up to realise that another morning lecture has been conveniently missed. You look at your cell phone to realise that you’ve probably missed the leftover breakfast as well. You wake up a little bit more to realise that your antonym (studious room mate) has already left a long time ago, without waking you up (traitor). Your bed is in such a state of disarray that you realise you’ve been sleeping on your Mini Drafter; which, oddly enough, is much more comfortable than your bed. Moving on. You stand up to stretch yourself but recoil in pain. What was that horrible stench and where was it coming from? You sniff around in curiosity and find nothing. So you resume stretching your arms wide. And the stench returns, only this time it is a rude reminder of the fact that you haven’t had a bath since you came back home from the semester break (which was about 13 days back). Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to indulge in the dangerous act of bathing under a slow, cold shower. Mission accepted.




Now comes the challenging part. You take yourself to the stall of showers expecting nobody to be in dire need of a wash like you. Right? WRONG. You walk in only to realise that there are more people in line for the showers than there are paparazzi near a red carpet. And guess what? All of them have long hair. All of them. The kind of length that would put Rapunzel to shame. The kind of hair that would require so many bottles of shampoo that your mind would explode trying to process that number. So you give up on that and make your way back to the room again.




After manoeuvring through many, many boxes of pizza (which were never thrown out, just stashed under the bed like prized possessions) you finally manage to find suitably clean clothes (come on, you don’t want the clothes to be too clean, that would make you smell worse). Suddenly, as you look into the mirror, trying to straighten that mop that everybody else seems to call your hair, life looks at you in the eye. You slowly drift back into those endless days of summer at home. When your rebellious streak was mostly directed towards your parents, and involved childish tantrum about the delicious food that your mother forced (it seemed forced at that point of time) down your throat. When not eating anything for long hours would induce a heavy scolding from various women in the house. When you did not wonder how your clothes were washed and ironed and ready for you to ruin them again, mainly because you always assumed it was clockwork. When you were asked exactly where you had been if you came back home after the streetlights were turned on. You sit down and you wait for the feeling to pass, after all, it is only a momentary lump in the throat.

 






It is then that you realise, living in the hostel is like one long, endless pyjama party (with little or no pillow fights and none of the other stereotypical things that some “videos” claim happen at a girl’s sleepover ). Sometimes the party is at the crescendo, sometimes a little more than a pianissimo but a party all the same. However, there is only so many days you can enjoy the celebration of living like a free bird before you demand the sanctuary of that cage which you call, Home.




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How To Survive Something Boring

January 29th, 2012

Admit it. Whether you’re a student, a trainee in a relatively big yet horribly taxing company or just another boyfriend standing in front of his girlfriend listening to her talk, you have faced the situation of extreme boredom at least once in such scenarios. The kind of boredom that, at its zenith, makes your eyes tear up in sorrow and sleep and leaves your mouth permanently agape (which is worse because you know you’re yawning whereas the person – or people – boring you might believe that you are constantly fascinated by what they’re saying). For that reason, we have compiled a few tips about how to combat massive boredom situations-

 



Boredom is a warm chair in the conference room

Scenario # 1 : Meetings That Kill – If you’re not the only one suffering and happen to be with a group of people stuck in a similar situation as yours, it could prove to be the silver lining to this ostensibly grey cloud. Look up and carefully observe other people’s facial expressions (they can be the cause of much hilarity). You will definitely find that one colleague who, in all his ignorance, thinks that nobody is watching him and tries to dig his nose. Or the other gentleman in front of you practically drooling like a grown up toddler. Laugh internally, make sure you don’t look silly yourself and click a few pictures for subsequent blackmail.



Even hard wooden tables seem comfortable during lectures

Scenario # 2 : Lectures a.k.a Lullaby – The student community shall agree that the most difficult period in their lives is the first  lecture right in the morning at some ungodly hour, especially during winters. Firstly, you have grudgingly dragged yourself out of bed only for this abomination of a man  talking about some obscure theory proposed much before your great grand-father was born. This is a good time to socialise old school- Tear out a page (silently, you don’t want to make it a dramatic courtroom scene) and start a conversation. Pass it around with the stealth of a ninja. It’s something that can never replace text messaging in class.



Pushing like there's no tomorrow

Scenario # 3 : Waiting in Lines- Our beautiful, culturally-blessed, diverse country has ensured that the tradition of standing in lines is never lost in the passage of time. For however rapidly the world has progressed no amount of technology shall replace the need to stand in lines. This is a good time to start working on that bubble gum till you can blow a big enough bubble. Then pop it loudly. You shall prove to be good amusement. Also an excellent time to hum your favourite tune, making up most of the lyrics. Looking at the instability of it all, you might just be able to convince people into organising a “Waiting-In-Passport-Office-Line” flash mob.



Scenario # 4 : Flying Solo – You’re sitting in the worst possible seat in the aircraft- sandwich seat. You know, the one where you suddenly feel like the ham in a ham and cheese grilled sandwich. There is no television and your view of the air-hostess is permanently blocked by the person next to you. First, inconvenience your co-passenger by taking a bathroom break where you actually go and talk to one of the flight attendants instead (about the weather outside). Come back and strike up conversation with co-passenger with the generic yet effective “Hey! Which arm-rest-volume-adjuster is mine?”. Caution: Do not, at any point of conversation, ask co-passenger where he’s going. You’re on the same flight.



The Crazy Girlfriend praying Mantis

Scenario # 5 : Jaanu! I love you na - Imagine the voice of a three year old squeaky girl who has learnt many new words and tries to use them all in the same sentence all the time. Also imagine the face of the love of your life, the cynosure of your affections, the star of all your dreams (*cough*). Now combine the two things. Disturbing. Welcome to the scenario of girlfriend cuddle talk. In this situation, you are completely alone buddy. Only two things can save you- One: The general stage fright advice applies here even more- Imagine her in her underwear. Two: Lean in and plant a nice kiss on her. That will shut her up and not offend her feelings. Not to mention, your impromptu act could lead to desirable adult situations (don’t talk more, kids are watching).

A few of the occasions my dears, where you realise that boredom is the enemy but you don’t seem to have a loaded gun. Do let me know how you have managed to survive some of those long, dreary moments without ripping your hair our with a hot-iron plucker.

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This SOPA is not comfortable

January 19th, 2012
Campusghanta has been protesting against SOPA and PIPA even before the others decided to join the bandwagon. We went black before Wikipedia.

The Soybean Processor’s Association of India must be feeling extremely proud right at this exact moment as I sip on some Soybean soup. After all, it has finally managed to push its product (the wondorous Soybean) into the lime light. The entire internet fraternity (except probably the scientists at CERN who made the internet but are too busy working on the Higgs-Boson) is now exclaiming SOPA and PIPA like there is no tomorrow. The  only other time we ever came close to such hype about PIPA was when Pippa Middleton was in the news (well a part of her definitely was).

STOP ONLINE PIRACY ACT – The SOPA and his evil twin sister, the PROTECT INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY ACT – The PIPA

So after a half-hearted attempt at reading the actual bill (which was a headache in itself) we realised a few things -

1. We are never going to be good lawyers

2. This thing sounds dangerous

3. Can’t I just read this on wikipedia instead?



This is what Megan Fox could look like after SOPA

 

It was only when Wikipedia decided to stage a black-out and many other websites like 9GAG (You know, that website where everybody copies their tweets from) protested by marching out in black as well, we realised that this is a real issue.

Internet piracy and copyright issues have forever been plaguing the world, especially after the dawn of the internet which makes file-sharing look easier than learning your alphabets (this is when I stop to check on my torrent downloads again). Even before the CD is released, we’ve already heard the song enough times on the loop to start hating it. Even before the motion picture has reached the theatres we’ve eaten buckets of popcorn while watching it. We haven’t bought a book in a long time because of that burgeoning e-book collection. Truth be told, we wouldn’t survive a day without copyright infringement and piracy. Imagine a world with no respect for originality.

However, what SOPA is trying to achieve is  denying complete access to any web site that even suggests a hint of copyright infringement. So, if a motion picture production house feels that the trailer you are watching on YouTube is harming their intellectual property rights, all they would have to do is express the said concern by seeking court rights and voila! Goodbye Vimeo, Flickr, Etsy and many others, all through a single complain. The host web site would have five days to bring down such “infringing” materials, search engines would have to stop showing their links as results. Moreover, if you happened to have posted a link that has a subtle smell of violating copyrights, your social networking site shall be liable to delete such posts and updates. Imagine a world without the trailer of The Dictator.



What this also means is that this would mostly affect the internet behaviour of websites in foreign countries. Even though this is a US Senate Bill, it will have indirect consequences on all large, medium and small sized internet businesses. So while some business owners will probably heave a sigh of relief saying that piracy needed to be curbed and this will only be beneficial for them, the important point to remember is that any website that distributes information can come under the scanner. Suppose your website has a linnk from ThePirateBay or Getty images, your website can be blocked under the rules of SOPA. Imagine a world without Campusghanta.

Of course, the need to end piracy is always going to be a major concern. For those who do not publish any content into the world, piracy is probably not such a pressing issue. After all, they are able to avail so many facilities for free, for which they would have had to pay quite an amount. However, for those who are creators, who spend night and day, sweat and blood working on the next masterpiece, watching their efforts go to waste without a modicum of deserved appreciation can be quite frustrating. The solution does not lie in censoring the internet to reduce it to a straitjacketed version of itself, it would be better if the payment options for such content was better managed. Imagine a payment option as easy as iTunes.



Till the legislators halfway across the globe toy with the idea of SOPA and PIPA, watching internet giants refusing to cow down to pressure, we sit with bated breath, hoping another great Chinese Firewall doesn’t raise it’s ugly head across the global internet platform. This soybean soup has really helped spending so many nights watching free television on the internet.

 

 

 

 

 



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