Posts by Disgruntled Genius:

Common-man – A Superhero is Born

April 3rd, 2012



 

Spiderman? Superman? Batman? Do you think they are powerful? If you do, you are grossly mistaken. They are just 3 year old pant-wetting morons infront of our awesome and cool Indian superhero – THE COMMON-MAN

Yes bitches! THE COMMON-MAN. The one with real power. The one with so much patience that even snails concede defeat to him and kill themselves. The one with truckloads of capacity to take shit. Infact he can take so much shit that it can provide endless bio-waste for a power plant. How is that possible, you ask? It is. Because he is Indian. He is:

  THE COMMON-MAN

In this post, we trace the roots of Common Man and the source of his kickass powers.

THE BEGINNING


It all began when times were bleak. Super bleak. There was corruption all around, the Government was completely inept & inactive , Mallya was crapping his pants with alarming regularity due to tension,  Emraan Hashmi was smooching every other hot chick in B’wood and to top it all, Poonam Pandey was a celebrity on twitter! But as they say (I say, rather): In times like these, a new superhero is born.

THE  COMMON MAN  RISES

Bleak scenarios were getting too much to handle for our simple common man. It is then that he decided it was time to do something. He has to rise above the general mediocrities of life. He has to stand up and be counted.

And rise he did.

Ofcourse, he first watched movies like ‘A Wednesday’ and ‘Rang De Basanti’ again. But after that – Rise, he did, finally!

No-one can forget that cold winter night in Delhi. The COMMON MAN stood atop the NDMC building (head office of Suresh Kalmadi during Commonwealth scam ..err .. games) and declared that he will rid the country of all ills. The declaration was so powerful that it made a chill run through the spines of street dogs. Nothing of that sort happened with politicians though as most of them don’t have a spine.

COMMON-MAN : THE POWERS

The source of all the powers of COMMON-MAN is nothing but ‘frustration’. Legends say that ‘frustration’ has always been a powerful source behind every big event. Historians even argue that it was nothing but ‘frustration’, that was behind ‘Mahabharat’ (You see, Duryodhan was quite ‘frustrated’ and wanted to have Draupadi at any cost. Towards the end, even Pandavas were quite ‘frustrated’  at their bullshit lives and that led to war).

Anyhow, without digressing further, let us know about some of the awesome superpowers of the COMMON-MAN.

 Jantar Mantar Bolt

Using this power, the COMMON-MAN instantly makes 1000′s of his clones who then attend every other anti-corruption, anti-Rakhi Sawant, anti-blah blah campaigns at Jantar Mantar. The “attendance” at these events is like a bolt from the sky for our political class.

e-kill

The COMMON-MAN has the kickass ability to write thousands of vicious blogposts and articles against the ‘enemies’ of the country. Cynics (assholes) argue that they don’t achieve anything. But they do. Havent you seen that bald monkey, Kapil Sibbal, jumping up and down while shouting he’ll censor the internet?

Patience Attack

The COMMON-MAN is like a tiger who moves slowly and with planning towards his prey. He waits for 5 years and handles all abuses with great patience. But during election time, he comes out in droves and shows what he is made of. Just ask any BSP politician. They are still nursing their sore asses.

Jugaad  – Bring on the Shit Combo Attack

The COMMON-MAN is so powerfully ‘frustrated’ that he can take any shit. Come what may. And he finely complements this ability with the power of ‘Jugaad’. Poor delivery mechanism in Govt services? Solve it with ‘Jugaad’. Need passport / photo / i-card / any stuff urgently? Jugaad. Everything? Jugaad.

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You see folks? We have a new age superhero. In his own Spiderman-isque words::

“I remain silent but i kick asses with lots of noise.

I teach politics to those who do politics in my name

I am everywhere.

I am the one pissing in public.

And I am the one at Jantar Mantar.

Who am I?

I am COMMON-MAN.”

LONG LIVE THE COMMON-MAN!

For more COMMON-MAN’s future adventures… Watch this space. Dont stare though. That will be creepy.

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The Secret diary of Disgruntled Genius

March 28th, 2012

[Editor's Note- We got hold of one of the diary entries of DG, who is well known in the CG family as the only one to maintain a diary. I mean, you really have to be disgruntled to maintain a journal? I will have to tell this dude to take a leaf out of the numerous real and reel life examples where politicians are caught due to a little 'Black Book'. Nonetheless, have a look at his rants on Monday. Although, I am pretty sure that every other day of the week is described similarly in his diary.]



 

26/3/12

‘I awake to find no peace of mind’.

-  ’Spies’ by Coldplay

Its Monday and I frankly, hate the day. Usual Monday blues and much more. I switch on the TV to grab a quick view of news and I find everyone going gaga over Anna 2.0. Bakwaas. I find Subramaniam Swamy a better “activist” than Anna. Mr swamy spells A-C-T-I-O-N. Apart from news, some channel is showing some baba telling us to remain positive, to feel positive.

Crap.

The world is as negative as it could be. Everyone is in a fuckin rat race. No-one minds being a rat as long as they are “perceived winners”. Watching those people makes me feel relieved. Very relieved. I had decided long ago that I wont be a rat. Its a liberating feeling, trust me.

The world is also getting dumber day by day. We live in a world where everyone is a bloody attention seeker. And they know that silly acts will give them popularity. Otherwise how can you explain the “popularity” of someone like Poonam Pandey who frankly, looks like a retarded lizard. Infact, if Lady Gaga pens a song for her, it will be called “Lizard face”.

Khair, in other news & views, I find some Congressman verbally licking dynastic boots yet again. I wonder where the hell these asses have left their backbones? Rahul baba next PM? Even a first grader from some school in the remotest area of Jharkhand will be much better than him seriously.

Then theres ‘Agent Vinod’. Nice comedy movie. I laughed my ass off. Someone said its supposed to be a serious & slick spy thriller. If thats the case, its the biggest joke of 2012 so far. I am sick of “saif-eena” shit!. Saala they are everywhere! Movies, Ads, events. The only thing missing is their MMS. Wonder when thats coming out?

Talking about Ads, diary…. Theres a new mindfuck Airtel ad where some dumb asshole calls up his friend and tells him hes stuck in Goa and a chick has stolen everything from him. How stupid does Airtel think we are? The chick steals everything but not his phone? May be it was Nokia 3312. But even then! Bloody Retards!

Anyways, enough ranting. Time to get up and start the day. Have to plan trips for upcoming long weekends and simple weekends. Travel is indeed a drug.

You know diary, someone asked me long ago not to end any blogpost / post abruptly. Too bad I ignore such unsolicited “advices”. Cya.

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The Secret Diary of Mayawati

March 12th, 2012

11 APR, 2012

“Kya se kya .. ho gaya,

Bewafaa.. tere pyaar mein”

HAHAHA!!! These words must be on Rahul baba’s lips right now. I love elections! You must be wondering diary ki ye kya bakwaas hai and why am I so happy but it’s true. I am very happy despite having lost the elections. I mean theek hai.. I lost badly but I retained my core Dalit votebase and next time, dekh loongi mulayam and uske bete ko. I will be back in power. But right now, I am happy because Rahul ki to lag gai! Arre that Bhatta-Parsaul area; jahan se usne campaign shuru kia tha; there too, he got crushed. Congress and baba – DECIMATED!

And kal toh kamaal ho gaya diary. Arre, I called baba at night and cracked a mast knock-knock joke. Here it goes-



I will be back!

Me : Knock Knock

Baba: Who’s there?

Me: Bahu

Baba: I know this one Maya Aunty. Bahu-jan samaj party no?

Me: Arre nahi beta. Pooch toh “who”.

Baba: Ok. Bahu Who?

Me: Not “Bahu who” but “Bahu hoo hoo”. Ab BooHoo karke rota reh. Samjha? HAHA

Baba: (crying) You are very bad Maya aunty. Mummy ko complain kar dunga!

HAHA. Mazaa aa gaya!

And about elections, who cares? Let Mulayam, Akhilesh and Co. eat for 5 years. I have made enough during my regime. I “served” the people of UP selflessly and honestly and in return, took a very small reward. By the way, we should remain hush-hush about the NHRM scam diary (wink wink). Waise bhi, Congress wants my support at the Center so they also won’t be pursuing further investigations against me in that scam. Politics.. I love this game!



My beloved statues!

The only problem is my statues. I am worried that they won’t be cared for properly. When I was CM, I had this huge army of workers whose job was to protect, clean and offer flowers on them etc. Some of the workers were exclusively for the purpose of catching birds’ shit before it hit the statues. But now I am sure, SP workers will deliberately feed those asshole birds just near my statues.

BRAINWAVE! I will give each BSP worker huge wad of tissue papers with Mulayam’s face printed on them. Their job will be to wipe the shit off my statues with those. Thoda maza to aayega.

Chal diary, off to sleep. Kal baat karti hoon. Tomorrow will have to congratulate Akhilesh on becoming CM. Faaltu ki chutiyap courtesy.

Chal so ja. Bye hai.

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UP elections 2012 summary

March 7th, 2012



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The Secret Diary of Sachin

February 27th, 2012

AAILA !

What a fantastic win in hockey yesterday. And sigh, sad day for cricket. Tornadoes are hitting us from all sides and in my case, missiles! 100th ton kab aeyega yaar… I’m going crazy!

Was so full of energy and positivity yesterday but Brett Lee ruined my day by obstructing my path and causing my run out. I hope he is kidnapped by a pack of Twilight-obsessed teenage girls.



Mera number kab aayega?

But you know diary, what’s irritating me the most is the Dhoni-Viru spat. I mean it’s becoming ridiculous. Saala they are behaving like SRK-Salman and asking all others to take sides. To top it all, when I said in a team meeting that I won’t take any sides and I am friends with both, people compared me to (hold your breath)Karan Johar. Yes, I agree KJo is also friends with both SRK and Sallu but comparing me, ME to that pinky? Can ‘God’ be gay? Sigh. One year ago they were comparing me to wine – getting better with age etc. And now? KJo. Jammaila saale.

Anyhow about my 100th ton. In this case, shit has not only hit the roof; it has penetrated it and reached the cosmos. In fact, I can imagine little Martians curiously observing it right now. No idea when it will happen. I have tried everything diary, you know. Even those “chamatkaari babas”. One of them gave me some black cream and asked me to apply that all over my body just before batting. Sadly, that didnt help in 100th ton. Worse, it waxed my entire body! No wonder morons are comparing me to KJo. This 100th ton is a monkey on my back. A big, fat, irritating, horny monkey- one which is always ready to fuck without condoms.



No! My world is not pink.

As far as Australia tour is concerned, its as good as over. Some last minute shopping and off I go. We are not going to make the finals anyway. I just want to go home and ask BCCI to organize a bilateral series against Zimbabwe and prepare a ridiculously flat pitch at Wankhede. That way I can get the asshole (monkey) off my asshole and concentrate on the next world cup in 2015.

Sigh. Got to go now. Dhoni just called. As part of team building exercises, guys have decided to watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Sadistic Bastards.

Aaila and out .

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SECRET DIARY OF DHONI

February 22nd, 2012

 



Brisbane, 20th Feb 2012

Sigh. Yet another loss. I cant take this anymore!! I just cant. I mean it’s so insulting to lose 3 chess games in a row against Viru! That dim-witted ass!

In other news, we lost yet another ODI against the Aussies. Meh. This is generic and frankly it’s getting predictable and quite annoying. All these news channels criticize us cricketers so brutally man! Too much, I say! And those moronic news anchors? Diary, they shout so hysterically while “analyzing”  as if a pack of rabid wolves is gnawing on their limbs.

You know, I don’t actually see the point in me being criticised. I won the T20 & ODI World Cups and this is the gratitude I receive? So what if we have lost eight tests in a row on foreign soil? It’s not like I have been caught watching porn in dressing room (BTW those Karnataka won’t-watch-porn-at-home-but-on-national-television ministers – FUCKING STUPID!).

Coming back to the losses. I fully blame that on the number 100! Saala, Paaji ki 100th century ne gaand maar rakhi hai sabki! It has put so much pressure, so much pressure. To make matters worse, Anna Hazare called Paaji yesterday and depressed him further by comparing the 100th ton to Lokpal. After the conversation, Paaji was convinced ki ab toh ho chuki century!

Sigh. The only good news is that my ad-ventures are still intact. Infact I signed a new one just yesterday… some butt lubricant something. The company representative was convinced that its the perfect product to endorse right now considering how badly opposition teams are fucking our asses!

You know diary… I feel like a  lonely man nowadays. You know that famous saying na that success has many fathers but failures fucks you alone. Whatever. Point is that nothing is going right. Take yesterday night’s case. I thought I will watch some porn ..you know.. to relax. But as soon as I open the damn clip on my laptop, wifey walks in and sees me having ‘fun’! She totally freaked out and called me names which can all be summarized under one category – Super ‘beeps’. KLPD…literally! Sigh.

Khair, jo bhi hai. I have to pick myself and the team up man! Its all getting out of control. Some concrete steps are urgently required… like praying to God for Paaji’s 100th ton soon! And ofcourse, dropping Viru. Saala, his batting nowadays has gotten so bad that it makes Muttiah Muralidharan look like a master stroke-player! No wonder all those jokes about him “not being able to hold his bat longer”.. if you know what I mean.

Chalo diary, got to go. Will watch some porn for now. And this time, not to relax. Wifey is too angry for anything so watching porn is like the only fuckin option for a little fun. And after that I promise…. practice session for atleast an hour! I cant afford to lose another game…. of chess, that is, against Viru. So full on chess practice. May be some online chess against a silly computer. Cool. Done!

Chalo diary bye. The youporn clip “Big booby Sexy Mallu Aunty getting it on with hubby’s friend” has almost downloaded. Yeah baby!

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7 BETTER THINGS TO DO THIS VALENTINES’ DAY

February 9th, 2012

Valentines Day is coming up. Yep, that time of the year when horny couples get hornier and make out like anything in parks and in turn, get their asses kicked by the police or better- VHP/RSS type angels.

Frankly, V-day is pure crap & nothing more than a marketing gimmick. For the information of all you critics, I am not saying this because I am single nowadays.  I have always believed so and now it’s my pleasure to outline seven better things you can do on V-day than blowing money on puke-inducing gifts and cards.



1. SLAP THE RETARDS

Slapping that irritating asshole is an orgasm-inducing feeling really. And V-day is a ‘goldmine’ when it comes to finding such types. You will find plenty of retards telling everyone that its the day of love so you should ‘celebrate’. Frankly douchebags, if one loves then everyday becomes a day of love. Else they are just fooling you. I love Katrina every day. I don’t wait for a specific day to tell her that. Do I? So, when you encounter such types, give them a tight slap. The slap should resonate in all directions and the sad, slapped face of that punk should give you an orgasmic happiness.

 

2. SEND A HANDMADE NON-CHEESY CARD TO YOUR VALENTINE

What can be better than to show your love through creativity? Show your valentine that you are her knight in creative armor. Make a really romantic card for her. But the keyword here is – NON-CHEESY. How about writing kick-ass lines such as:

‘I will love you till eternity or atleast till I see an elephant making wild love to Rakhi Sawant’

or..

‘I have loved you since the day I had a wet dream about you. And I promise to love you forever.. atleast till I see an elephant making sweet love to your sis’

or even better…

‘I love all parts of you, even those ones that make me think that you must be somehow related to an elephant.’

 

3. VISIT PARKS AND ENJOY THE LOVE-MAKING

Just two words – parks and couples. No, it is not the season of loving, rather it is the season of touching without being too scared about it. So you have all the eye feasting possible in the parks and other public places where uninhibited couples shall be doing what you watch on the Internet anyway. Go ahead and enjoy.

 

4. WATCH COMEDY CENTRAL

Comedy Central – the best channel on Earth (after Fashion TV, of course) – is finally in India! When you have Seinfeld, South Park, That 70s show, Two and A Half Men etc etc at your disposal, why would you want to go out and blow money on useless things. Sleep, Eat and watch CC. Enjoy.

 

5. GO TO OFFICE. WORK.

This year V-day is on a weekday. Good for those who are working. Don’t skip office at any cost. Be a hero. Do something different. Go to office and actually work instead of the usual wasting time on the internet. This will show your seniors how serious you are and will help you with that promotion. This would also be a good time to take advantage of the deserted workplace to put your feet up on the table and act like you run the place.

 

6. BREAK UP AND SAVE SOME MONEY

Break up just before V-day. Save money. Get hitched again when the shit is over. Perfect plan. Good for your savings. Thank me later. In cash.

 

7. WRITE A CAUSTIC BLOGPOST AGAINST VALENTINE’S DAY

Need I say more bitches?

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By the by, if any woman is interested in ‘celebrating’ the V-day with me in a non-douchebag way, just contact me. Disgruntled Genius is always ready for some social service. No, I am not a hypocrite, just an opportunist.

Cheers!



[Image Courtsey: Google baba, Wallbase.cc and thedelhiwala.blogspot.com]

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SLAPGATE : WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED — CG INVESTIGATES

February 2nd, 2012

As all of you know, CG stands for quality shit (not literally though, that’s Campus Ghanta – Captain Obvious). We always try to bring quality content to our readers. And sometimes we even risk our lives for that. The ‘Slapgate’ incident is one such thing.

After the idiotic incident, everyone came out with their own versions. We decided to put an end to the controversy by investigating on our own. You see, we have some highly reliable ‘sources’ in the film fraternity.

So, here it is – WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON THE NIGHT OF 29th/30th JAN 2012 –

 



 

CG INVESTIGATES 

3 AM  -  Filmfare awards ceremony ends. SRK decides to leave the venue. But first, he decides to take a piss (Our ‘sources’ were in the loo)

3.17 AM – SRK  gets done with the piss. Murmurs ‘I wish Karan was here with me’. Leaves for his car.

3.32 AM – Sits in a car. Realises that it’s Priyanka Chopra’s instead. Both laugh, kiss and SRK gets out to find his own car.

3.45 AM – Spots Salman. Ignores him. Salman shouts something about Ra.One. SRK shouts ‘chutiye’ back.

3.51 AM – SRK leaves for Sanjay Dutt’s party.

4.05 AM – Dozes off in the car.

4:25:10 AM – Reaches the party venue. Spots Priyanka. They kiss again, laugh and go inside.

4:25:20 AM – Side heroes of bollywood murmur ‘Lucky Bastard!’

4:30 AM – SRK hugs Sanju. Priyanka hugs Sanju. SRK hugs Priyanka and kisses her.

4.35 AM – Shirish Kunder spots SRK. Jokes about Ra.One.

4.40 AM – Kunder gets totally drunk. Decides to follow SRK everywhere.

4.50 AM – SRK asks him not to behave like the Vodafone pug as he uses Airtel. Shirish asks him about Ra.One.

4.51 AM – SRK tells Kunder that he’ll complain to his mommy, Farah Khan.

4.55 AM to 5.10 AM – Kunder keeps following SRK everywhere. Even to the loo.

5.12 AM – Kunder asks SRK about Priyanka Chopra.

5.14 AM – A seething SRK goes upto Priyanka. Kisses her. Comes back and slaps Kunder.

5.16 AM – Sanju intervenes. Kunder tells him that he is the worst comic actor ever and asks him to back off.

5.18 AM – Sanju slaps Kunder.

5.30 AM- Kunder decides to leave the party after applying an ice pack.

5.45 AM – SRK and Sanju also leave. Before that SRK kisses… o well, you know.

5.55 AM – Party starts to wrap up. Everyone starts leaving. Some pounce on the leftover daaru.

End of story.

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CG detectives kept following this story stealthily and brought our readers a TRUE account of what ACTUALLY happened at that party. Hats off to the guys. We are better than Scotland Yard. If only the CBI would understand our true potential.

 

 

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The Secret Diary Of Suresh Kalmadi

January 30th, 2012

22.1.2012

Dear Diary Ji,

YES BENCHO YES! I AM FREE!

Ah! The fresh air of freedom. I’m feeling so elated my dear diary, now that I am a free man . Although jail was also okay. I mean, I used to have such lovely conversations over tea with the jail Superintendent S C Bharadwaj. Nevertheless,  nothing equates to this! Outside Tihar ! Haan but I really feel sorry for that poor chap. Got transferred to Andaman just because he was caught having tea and snacks with me. Kya bakchodi hai!



Well anyway, now that I am free I shall be reinstated as IOA’s head. Yes diary! Wouldn’t that be great? That will definitely insert a 15 ft long rod into anti-corruption movt’s ass. Oh and ass se yaad aaya –  Rahul ji se blessings seek karni hain.

But first – Anna! You know diary, I had called him up at 2 am in the morning (*giggles* Wish you could have seen the evil grin on my face right now my dear diary). Let me replicate the entire conversation in detail–

Me: Anna ji, Hi!

Anna: Kalmadi? Bol be.

Me: Tell me this- What is the similarity between me and those green chillies that you get when you buy tonnes of veggies from some subzi-wala?

Anna: HAIN? Kya be?

Me: We both are FREE! YAY YAY!!

And after that I cut the phone. Before that, I think I heard Anna shout something in rage and frustration. Oh well, who cares? I am free!

Ah well! 9 freaking months in Tihar. Man! Feels like I am a ‘born again’ man. Get it diary? 9 months..born again.. get it .. get it? Damn. I should be a stand up comedian!

Acha chalo diary, have to go. Feeling shitty. Literally. Have to go to the loo! And shitty se yaad aaya.. Digvijaya ji ko bhi call karna hai.

Chalo diary, see ya later.

Your jailbird is now a free bird.

 

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MARRIAGE….and all that shit !

November 30th, 2011



Marriage season is here again! That means – jammed roads, overbooked hotels & halls, shortage of mares and ofcourse – grossly overdressed aunties! Now, this ‘season’ always brings me to the question – Why the hell do people marry? I sat thinking on the pot one day and could think of few reasons as to why people indulge merrily in this collective chutiyaap. Let me list those:

1) SEX:

There are so many morons  (of both the sexes – am just being ‘modern’ and ‘liberated’ here.. i.e. acknowledging the fact that women too are super horny and need regular dose of sex)  in this world who fall into one of these categories:

> Super shy idiots

> Weirdos who believe that the world is full of good angel-like people and we are here to serve others

> Justin Bieber fans

> Abhishek Bachchan and Vivek Oberoi.

> Dolly Bindra

These types of morons never experience the joy of doing ‘it’ in a parking lot or in some random hotel room. And hence, they become desperate to get married. They think that, come what may, they are guaranteed to atleast one hump-session after marriage. During the whole marriage ceremony, they keep thinking of ‘suhaag-raat’.. even when the priest is chanting hymns.

2 ) FAMILY PRESSURE

Believe it or not but family pressure is also a reason for marriage. And neighborhood ‘marriage aunties’ have a big role to play in this. They visit ‘single people’s houses’ and convince their parents that their son/daughter is an immoral moron who will run away with their lover very soon; and hence, should be disposed..err… married off ASAP! To the girl/boy of aunty’s choice ofcourse.

So parents give in and pressurize the poor girl/boy to get hitched. And these idiots agree without a protest. Ironically, these buttwipes have ‘Sadda haq, aithe rakh’ type songs as their caller-tune.

3) LOVE

Last but not the least.. Love. Yes, people  – get hitched, make promises to each other, tell their families about it, get scolded & beaten, cry, sob, try to convince parents repeatedly, again cry, sob, cut their veins in depression, again try to convince parents, finally convince them and eventually — marry their love. Phew!

Drama kings and queens!

–

Frankly, I don’t understand why l people want to get married anyway? Young 20 somethings who have a good job and life want to ‘limit’ their independence – only because society thinks it’s important! The very society which looks down upon practical things such as live-ins. The very same society whose ‘educated members’ attend marriage functions only to find faults with the bride/groom/food/arrangements. And of course..the very same society which is so full of shit that even cowdung looks spotless clean!

Watever.

Now, before I end – an innocent question for all the readers:

Countless movies show that a new (but horny) bride shyly brings a glass of hot/warm milk for her equally horny groom on suhaag-raat. Now, hot/warm milk induces sleep whereas the ‘purpose’ of the night is ‘not to sleep’. Why the conflicting events / thoughts?

Think. Correct answers will win a gift voucher – a classic movie DVD set. Movies include-

>> Reshma ki Jawaani.

>> Chikni padosan

>> Aadhi raat mein, diya tere haath mein

>> Hump like there’s no tomorrow.

Namaskaar.



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