Posts by Snow Leopard:
- Belieber A term coined by the Bieber followers to show their support for their icon, it is a combination of Bieber and Believe. The phrase therefore translates to “some one who believes in Bieber” and his ability to sing in soprano at an age way past puberty, gives rise to the idea that maybe the castrati are still there. But, I digress. The tag is used to give shout outs to fellow beings on twitter, to get re-tweets and more followers. So in short, Beliebers are worker bees to Justin’s queen. And like all good workers bees, they swarm around anyone who attacks their queen and will stick with someone they think is their own. Maybe, they run around making figures of eight too.
- #BieberFacts This hash tag is an Encyclopaedia of everything Bieber. Maintained by the Bieber fanatics, who post every damn fact about their icon they can lay hands on. A small fraction of which perhaps you already knew, and the rest you don’t give a damn about. But still most a load of crap since no tweet has till now addressed the question about Bieber’s sexuality that does rounds on most public forums.
- RIP Justin Bieber This according to me was the cruellest thing that has ever happened to humanity since the Holocaust. The hash tag gave a sense of thrill to every lover of music. For a moment, they were in a state of euphoria. But like Atlas, their joy was short lived as the news that the singer was hale and hearty crushed their dreams of a better future.
- Thank You Justin They need any excuse to try and make Bieber trend. And this happened, after Justin thanked her followers for all their support. Overwhelmed my this gesture, the worker bees had to do something special for their queen who held them in such high esteem. And they thanked her profusely for every damn thing, from giving them the courage to come out of the closet to….errrr….yeah, that is about it, I guess.
- #itsabelieberthing This is a Belieber thing. This hash tag is used to give reason to any crazy stunt a Belieber will try to pull off for her idol. It ranks just a few notches below “Thank you Justin” on the sycophancy scale. This tweet here I found will give you an idea – “That awkward moment when 17 million other girls share the same husband as you…
#itsabelieberthing” 
Beliebers - Quod Erat Demonstrandum
#bieberblasting Contrary to what it sounds like, it is not related to Bieber masturbating. This is in fact a highly destructive sound based weapon system that was banned by the Geneva convention. We feel that the international community should put pressure on Canada to destroy it before it reaches the wrong hands.
- #LiveMyLife And as the new Bieber hit Live My Life is set to launch on the 1st of March, which also marks her 18th Birthday, this has been trending on twitter since a few days. This we hope will be followed by a Happy Birthday Justin tag. Maybe this is what the Mayan’s meant when they foretold the end of the world. Anyway, wishing Ms Bieber a very happy birthday and may she hit puberty soon.
- For a regular Joe or Jane, flaunting the number of friends on Facebook makes them cool. It gives you a sense of belonging, and the illusion that you are more popular than you actually are. It is a hangout place where you know a lot of people but still know no one.
- It has changed the way we think and do something. We are a bit attention crazy, that I won’t deny, but Facebook has taken that trait and given it a new dimension. Now, everything has to be posted on Facebook and we are impatient for “Likes”. And more than that, it has changed the way we speak, introducing a whole new set of jargon.
- Facebook gives you nothing to do and still provides you with a way to kill time. People can sit still, staring at the slider that shows updates. And I
have known people who were always paranoid that, someone might have attacked them or their plants might have dried up in some stupid game. - It is the most effective tool in a stalker’s arsenal. Not only most of your thoughts public, but the subscribers and friends can also see what you like and whom do you talk to more.
- Sharing of Facebook passwords between two love birds is now akin to making love. It is the test of your trust and faith in your companion, no matter that your private space goes for a toss. And if you don’t share, you know you will have a one way ticket to splits-villa.
- Couples who needed a place to make out
- Masochists
- Sadists who take others along to watch them suffer
- Disillusioned people high on drugs
- Those who have been Lobotomized
- Yoga practitioners, practicing their patience and ability to remain calm and still
- Orange contains citric acid that kills germs
- It has Vitamin C (Don’t know how it helps the rectum region)
- Remember that Orange Face Wash advertisements where they said that it helps the skin?
- And moreover, fruit cleaning is in. And you can use Real Orange to get Roughage for scrub
Surviving A Party
March 29th, 2012The speakers blared the latest Honey Singh hit, as I downed my 4th shot of Vodka. The DJ had played the song 8 times, since the jam session had started about an hour ago. I was beginning to hate that song now, more so since the constant hammering had engraved it in my head. I knew, I would be humming it on a loop the next morning, unless I did something to erase it. I stretched my hands to grab my 5th shot of Vodka………
Though, not really an asocial person, but I usually don’t prefer parties. The first and the foremost reason being, the loud cacophony that a DJ plays. I fail to fathom how people are supposed to interact in that. Unless and until, deep down, the Neanderthal being is still alive in us. For whom dancing to loud drum beats was a mating ritual. Yes, we really have come a long way, from the time when our ancestors still swung on trees and fought for a banana.
This was supposed to be a Birthday bash cum engagement party of a friend. And I was cursing myself for letting my parents talk me into attending it. There is a reason why I have not added half the people I had met today on my FB list. And not talked to them since the last 6 years. It does make for some rather awkward conversation that begins with a fake smile. If only the Oscar jury had seen me today.
Like it or hate it, but you can’t ignore it. Unless you are a social pariah, chances are you have been to a party at least once in your lifetime. And sometimes you get stuck in a party which is such a torture that, you would rather switch places with Prometheus. But for some reason or the other, you have to attend such functions. Call it a social obligation or torture, but the truth is you can’t escape forever.
I curse my bad habit of arriving on time. The invite had said 5 PM. The hosts came at 6 and the guests began trickling in at 7. Till then I had amused myself by helping with the decorations and the placement of chairs. Just in case anyone is interested, Sonu, the guy serving Gol Gappas had pissed in the water. I smirk as I see a group of pachyderms stuffing their mouth.
Somehow, every lady above the age of 40 is suddenly interested in my marriage plans. “So you are next, eh!” wink wink “Excited about your friend’s engagement?” My answer to all of them was a smile. “Blushing! Who is the girl? You won’t tell me?” “I am talking to her right now.” …wrong move, that didn’t shut them up, rather they became more annoying. I grabbed my 1st shot of Vodka.
Slowly, they began transforming into giant insects. The glittering clothes and the over dose of bling further aggravated my hallucinations. I quickly took my leave from that table, before they could stick their mandibles on me.
The 2nd shot of Vodka was kept in front of me, as I tried to create a tower out of the cutlery. A few waiters passed by. I waved at one, but was royally ignored. Maybe they still believed I was one of them, and was just shirking work. The hand slipped, as I was trying to balance the knife on the fork, bringing the whole structure down. You lose some, you lose some. The Turtle made of watermelon and pineapple seemed to laugh at me. I laughed back as a kid stuck a knife in it’s back and removed a huge chunk. The kid looked awkwardly at me as I French kissed the now empty glass.
I downed my 3rd shot of Vodka as the person sitting besides me gave me every minuscule detail of his relationship and how they spent their time during their last vacation in Europe. Courtesy sake, I listened to the details politely, nodding now and then. Asking a few question just to give him an impression that I was interested and was listening. He kept blabbering as I tried to stick a table spoon on my nose.
Alcohol has different effect on different people. An inebriated man danced to the tunes of “Do Ghunt Pila De” His moves serpetine. A few appreciated his attempt, while mocking him behind his back. The waiter serving snacks had skipped me, again. But then, I consoled myself with the thought, that maybe I was becoming invisible. But still, despite the loud music, I am sure the grumbling of my empty stomach was audible enough.
As I downed my 5th shot, a few pseudo intellectuals hounded me. Their clothes gave them away from afar. I should have made my escape then. Customary greetings later, we were discussing the plight of workers and why the government fails to check the rapidly increasing class divide. I am sorry, we were not discussing. One of them was speaking continuosly and dismissing my attempts to pitch in with a few points, with his barrage of words. It is a thing most pseudo intelectuals have in common: A long kurta, beard and a contrarian attitude.
I grabbed a glass of whiskey and roamed towards the garden area. I had had enough Vodka for today. It was more peaceful out here. I sat on a bench. Far from the maddening crowd. An old friend saw me in my solitude and decided to join in.
“Do you need a hug?”
“Ehh…not really. Do you want to give one?”
“Is something troubling you?”
“No”
“Tell me. I am your friend and I promise to keep your secret with me”
“There is no need to worry. I am all right.”
“But your eyes are red. Were you crying?”
“Maybe, that is due to the 5 Vodka Shots I just had.”
“Huh! Liar!”
“Ok seriously, nothing is wrong. I was getting bored and the loud music was getting on my nerves. So I just came here to enjoy some peace.”
“So you don’t want to tell me. Fine. I thought we were friends.”
“You know what! Fuck You! Fuck This Party! And Fuck this damn day!”
I walked towards the exit as the tiny pieces of the shattered Whiskey glass sparkled in the grass.
The Democratic “Republic” of India
March 14th, 2012The results for the most hyped state election were out a few days ago. It was supposed to witness the triumph of the crown prince as he stamped his authority over the other mortals. But, alas, destiny had something else in store. A son did rise, but not the one who was expected to.
But I am writing this piece, not to discuss the results. But I write it, because I have observed a trend. Maybe what I see is really there, or maybe I am hallucinating. Our constitution calls us the Democratic Republic of India. Bah!
You will call me a cynic, yes. But I have my reasons.
The Beginning of a Republic
The Romans, the first to create the concept of a Republic had began the same way. No one person had supreme power. As a first draft, the concept was forward from its time. It gave power to the people. The power to choose their leaders. It allowed leadership to brew. The concept was simple. The senate would comprise of capable men, who would then vote for the person amongst them most suitable to rule for a specified period of time. And it was not an absolute rule, since all decisions had to be first approved by the senate. A triumvirate was created during the time of the first Caesar. Three heads with equal powers. It helped check the abuse of power by a single person.
In 1947, as India got Independence, we adopted a similar structure. Our triumvirate consisted of the Courts and the Parliaments. As Abraham Lincoln had said in his famous speech and I quote “Democracy is the government by the people, of the people and for the people” Working on the same principals, our leaders gave us a constitution that defined the rights of each citizen, promising to uphold the rule of the Republic.
The Demon of Corruption
Like most things, this concept looked good on paper and worked well too before it began it’s descent. As the society grew it also started cracking, and corruption started showing it’s head. It was a corruption of morals and ethics. When the seat in senate or appointment as a priest or any other position for that matter could be brought for a price. People voted based on favourites.
The same began to happen in India. Every man has a price, and appointments have a price and it is negotiable. People began voting, not for the ideology of the party or what it stood for, but to the person they favoured. Not that it is bad, but more often than not the favouritism is based on the fact that a particular candidate was of the same caste/religion/social background as the majority in the area.
Enter the Dynasties
The Roman Republic was created to ensure that no one person will have monopoly on power. Julius Jwas a General who was given supreme authority to wage war, but initially was part of the Triumvirate. He was assassinated when his lust for power increased. His successor Augustus, though promised a return to the Republic but could not or rather did not (I am not going to bore the reader with subtle intrigues of ancient politics). And as time progressed, it became a monarchy, where the next ruler was chosen by the previous one. And the once proud senate, became but a meeting ground for sycophants who deified every Caesar and met there to confer titles and honours on their lord.
Coming back to modern India. This is what we see. We blame one party, but look around. There is, in every state, at least one party that is being run by a dynasty. Who says Monarchy is dead? It is just an old wine in a new bottle.
The Society Crumbles
By the time of Caligula took over as the 4th Caesar, the society was already on a decline. People had high hopes for him since he was the son of Germanicus, a leader who had commanded much love and appreciation from all. And he carried a very noble family name. His sister Drusilla was made a Goddess and he treated himself like one. Since the day he was born, he was told he was a ruler. While his brothers were banished.
Caligula was not fit to rule, and though the people loved him for his family name, they soon realised that the monarch was nothing but a spoilt child filled with ideas of grandeur.
Rome Burns
As Rome further went afar from the concept of Republic, it brought it’s own destruction at the hands of the 6th Caesar, who famously played the fiddle as the capital burnt.
As I see the Political scenario now, I can’t help but make comparisons with the ancient world. And I see history repeating itself. Only the characters are different. The stage is different.
7 Most Ridiculous Bieber Trends on Twitter
March 1st, 2012
This came up when we Googled "Justin Bieber" for images
Justin Bieber, the name that launched a thousand twitter trends. A curious case in the history of music, Bieber has managed to scale the peaks of popularity and remains one of the top celebrity icons for pre-pubescent girls. Be it the constant crooning of the word Baby or the search for a lesbian lover at a laundry, the songs have struck a chord with many.
And what a fan following this star has. Since the first hit, the Bieber army has been growing at a alarming rate and is now a brogningdagian monstrosity. And akin to the Mongols, Bieber’s horde is a constant threat to the very existence of Twitter. The overwhelming load that the fans put on the Twitter servers, might bring it down permanently one day.
But till then, here is a list of 7 Bieber trends that have gained the most popularity on Twitter :
A Mad Man’s Monologue – The Mad Man Returns
February 15th, 2012Act-2, Scene-1 (Click here for the previous episode: A Mad Man’s Monologue)
The Mad Man Returns:
The bus moves at a constant pace. The Indian Countryside keeps shifting. The trees move behind with same pace. Relativity. Am I moving. Or that house. 
Relativity. It is a bitch. Time Frame. Frame of View. A board comes. An advertisement. Dr. Pal. Sex Specialist. Claims to cure everything. Will recharge sexual drive. Yes. We need cure. But from overindulgence. Too much libido. Who is Dr. Pal? A quack? Maybe. But his name. It is everywhere.
A race of fools we are. A con job is easy. The bus stops. A man gets on it. A tiny bottle of oil in hand. He speaks for 10 minutes. The oil has powers it seems. Can cure a lot. His style repetitive. He knows he sells a lie. But he is a veteran. An experience of a 1000 sales pitches. He sells 15 bottles.
I look around. I see people. People devoid of rational thinking. They believe what they are told. Or refuse to question why. ‘Why’ has a single syllable. But is the most powerful. A simple word. Why. It shuts up many.
But do we ask? No. We follow like sheep. Blinded by stupidity. The idol drinks milk. Gandhi dances in a photo. Hanging of freedom fighters. All lies. No one checks. They share. Click a button. It is easy. You get comments. You get more famous. Tweet it. Everyone else is. You get more followers. Boast about it now.
It makes us cool. But the knowledge reduces. I have the Fight Club in hand. The book. Dark story. Grittier than the movie. But hardly anyone knows. Tyler, YES. Ed Norton, YES. Chuck Palahniuk, NO. Hardly anyone reads. Couldn’t care less. Takes time. Too much effort. Why bother? There is a torrent. Mention book. Get strange looks. Latest victim, Stieg Larsson.
Election season approaches. Same choices. Same promises. They come again. Once every four years. Riding a high horse. Rahul Baba in UP. Congress has hopes. Last year, he did much. Dined and slept at many houses. The sister is there. Everyone cheers. They cheer her. Not the party. She asks for votes. No one asks why.
Punjab. 7 lakh bottles of whiskey. Barter for votes. The state is high. Again the same choice. But voters keep increasing. Who will win? No one cares. No one bothers. They are high. The land is parched. Water level falling. The people are high. A bottle drops. The spirit spills. The ground drinks.
Parliament in session. 3 ministers watch porn. Caught on camera. Lame excuses. An 8 year old could do better. News channels get a story. The story repeats. On loop for a day. Anna makes a demand. Mayawati covers statues. Mamata makes a speech. A hospital burns. Minors are raped. Aaj Tak is rabid. India TV delirious. Public hue and cry. Promises are made. Tomorrow is voting day.
The cancer spreads. Another poster. Claims to cure cancer. Miracle drug. Cancer gone in 4 weeks. Prove otherwise. Get Rs 1 crore. BJP says the same. Calls it Cow Piss. Miracle drug. Only difference. They don’t offer prize money.
The bus starts. Oil seller gets down. Promises refund if not satisfied. Everyone happy. Those who buy and those who sell. Promises make everyone happy. Doesn’t matter if it is fake. No one remembers. No one cares. The farce goes on. Relativity is back. The Frame of view.
……………Who is Dr. Pal?
Facebook: The 100 Billion Behemoth
February 2nd, 2012A few days ago, I was sitting with a few friends at our local hangout, waiting for our order. The small TV was showing a special news report on sun signs, and why it was essential for people born under the sign of Sagittarius to eat 2-3 spoonfuls of sugar that day. When slowly, our conversation drifted towards Facebook and it’s IPO (initial public offering) plans.
A: Dude! This is some serious shit. Facebook has grown at an unfathomable rate. A $100 billion is something.
B: And now that they are going public with about 10% of their shares, they hope to raise about $5 billions initially and then go for more, leaving the older boys like Google and Yahoo far behind
C: It is an amazing success story. And to think that Mark Zuckerberg only started it less than a decade ago.
B: Yeah! And to think that it has done all this despite having the most bull-crap business idea ever.
A: You have not said anything, SL. Quite unlike you.
Me: Yahoo is still alive?
At this point our order arrived and we spent the next hour on more intellectual discussions; the awesomeness of Gunda and Loha, the two epic Kanti Shah movies starring Mithun. And tried to explain the deep philosophical meaning of Mamata Bannerjee’s speech at the Bengal Leads podium, which, I must tell you, is a 10 minute long monologue that questions, not just every lecture of Geography you ever attended in school/college, but your very existence on this Earth.
But the earlier deliberation, did give me something to ponder over. Especially the lines where a friend described Facebook having the, and I quote “most chutiyap agenda”.
What really is Facebook? It started out as a place where people could interact with their group of friends. But slowly it turned into the local tea stall and then worse. And the way the number of users are growing, it may not be far when the whole world will be on Facebook. Maybe this is what the Mayans meant when they foretold the end of the world, since once addicted to Facebook, most humans usually tend to have no life.
Let us analyse the basic agenda of Facebook. Is it a site that provides you information and helps you complete assignments, like Wikipedia? No. Is it the largest search engine that can locate anything and bring it to you, like Google? No. Is it..? No. No and No. That is No for every damn question, you fucking retard. I apologise, that was my split personality, talking to me. Anyway, coming back to the point at hand, Facebook can be best termed as an over-hyped forum where the sacred concept of privacy has become alien ever since the launch of the subscription option.
But then the question remains, why and how did it manage to grow at this ungodly rate? Fo
r this we are to blame and so is our need to be noticed. Since the time of it’s creation, Facebook has become a monster that feeds on our fears and obsessions. Like it or hate it, it has changed us in many way :-
In this age, when people are divided with more than distances, maybe Facebook was launched with the good intentions of bringing people closer. But instead of that, the ill-made agenda has ensured the opposite. And now as public money will be invested to further feed the ceaseless appetite of this monster, one can not help but compare Facebook to the various chit fund company scams. Where the investors feel good initially, but in the long run they realise that they had been taken for a ride.
The Pied Piper of Hamelin is playing his tune, and we are following him like rats in a trance.
Images Courtesy: http://sydesjokes.blogspot.in/
How To Make Scrambled Eggs
October 4th, 2011Eggs are a cheap and easy way to kill those hunger pangs, along with being a damn good source of high quality proteins and essential fatty acids and some
other things.
The basic definition of scrambled eggs is that they are eggs that have been…errr…scrambled. A delicious dish when prepared by hands well versed in the craft of kitchen-o-graphy, but usually an easy to make and surprisingly palatable concoction by a novice. Yes, your eyes deceive you not. It is an easy enough dish for the first timer to make, though a mastery of the stove does bestow on you the ability to render those subtle nuances that make the dish drool worthy. But now, a college student or a PG dweller or a home aloner, would rather have a dish on his/her plate that is edible enough, rather than worry about winning kitchen glory.
And keeping this in mind, I present to you my guide for making this simple, easy and quick to make, good to eat, hunger killer:
The Raw Materials: The eggs are the basic requirements for this particular dish. An egg by definition is the organic vessel in which the embryo first begins to develop. But let us do the part about biology some other time. The eggs which we need are the ones laid by the oviparous category of the animal kingdom…in particular, the avians (but if you prefer reptilian or anthropodal or alien eggs, then you are most welcome to add those).
The eggs will most likely be found in the fridge or the kitchen. If not try checking the nest of that damn pigeon who always poops on you the moment you step out. If that is a bit difficult then you can try rummaging you room-mates messy curly hair.
And make sure you have at least 10 eggs. Along with them, you will need, bread, cream and butter, salt and pepper to taste. And Vodka.
The Equipments: A gas stove. Check if it is connected to gas and that it works. A pan to make the eggs in. A wooden spoon. A small bowl and a fork to beat the eggs. Use hands if fork is unavailable. A toaster.
The Preparation: Break the eggs. Good. Now do that again but lightly and not by throwing them on the floor. Yes, just a light tap to crack them. Godammit, a light tap I said. Well anyway, we have a few eggs left so that should allow for some practice. Leave the pieces of egg shells inside the bowl as it gives the dish a crunchy flavour. Add salt and pepper to taste. Beat the eggs with the fork till you have a roughly smooth mixture.
Preheating: Take a couple slices of bread and put them in the toaster. In the meanwhile, while the bread is being toasted, add some butter to the pan and put on the stove. Turn the stove on and light it..just make sure you don’t burn your fa….never-mind.
Now by the time the toasts are being done and the pan is being preheated, you have a minute to tweet about your kitchen escapades.
On Flames: By this time, the kitchen must be looking like the scene from a slapstick comedy flick. The eggs are too dry now…add a bit of water to soften
them. Now add the cream. Trip a few more times on the egg spill and make sure that one of the falls results in some slicing of the gas pipe or something. Congratulations, you have set your house on fire.
The Vodka: Remember the vodka which was mentioned before. Sit calmly in front of
your burning house, taking a few sips now and then as you wait for the Pizza which you have just ordered. Because having a drink besides the fire is bliss and particularly if it is your own fireplace.
A Perfect Evening!!!!
A Mad Man’s Monologue
September 9th, 2011
Act-1, Scene-1
A Mad Man Speaketh:
Why am single? Was asked this question again by someone. As usual ducked. Changed topic of conversation. But going to quote or rather make own quote. Distorting Groucho Marx’s to suit purpose: “Wouldn’t want to be near a girl who would be ready to accept me. Because it would mean she is either blind and deaf and dumb and has no sense of smell(this case I would pity her) or she has the brain mass of a Hydrogen nucleus or both the two cases.”
Mostly have a few….no…many strange ideas now and then. Kind of fits. Get fits of ideas. Sudden outburst if you know what I mean. Usually give into impulsive self and start on with them, despite continuous warnings from patient self. Have strange idea of dream life. Heaven on earth. Where would happily spend rest of otherwise useless life. Includes small house. On large open area. Mountains. Stream of fresh water on one side and………50 dogs, 2 elephants, 1000 Buffaloes, 50 horse, 500 goats, 500 sheep, 10 eagles, 5 falcons, 6 lions, 5 cheetahs, 15 wolves, 2 bears, 4 tigers, 6 leopards, 4 jaguars and a pair of snow leopards. Not counting wildlife outside premises. Hrmph..long term plan. Right after world domination.
Most brilliant contribution to world till now. Effort to conserve water resource. Hate taking baths. Might be hydrophobic. But by not bathing. For a week in a stretch. Saved precious liquid. Hope Nobel committee notices. Today took bath after 9 days. Been wearing same clothes. Day in and day out. For last nine days. Hmph…DRDO took the clothes. Some new chemical weapon. Needed those clothes. Major ingredient they say.
Shaved after a month. Sewers got clogged. Overflowed. Phoned municipal department to get muck out. Pile of black slush lying on roads. Ha…they never pick up. Reminded me of joke. Man digging earth. Another filling up. Asked why. Digger says. Person who plants trees not come. Not their job. End of joke. Whatever. Hmph! I smile.
Began another session of brooding. May take days. May be over in minutes. Dark and melancholy mood. Don’t know why. But brooding. Over things.
Country is burning. Bomb exploded. Again. Fire spreads. Heads shall roll. But then? Back to square one. NOO..GRRR….!!! Dirty underbelly. Needs cleaning up.
Big joke. Minister gives speech. India shining and rising. Headlines below. Another gang-rape. Big Irony. Bletherskates…all of them. News report. Indian economy bigger than China in 2025. A man dies on road. Accident. No one cares. People drive by. Big economy. Big income. Big cars. Drive fast. No time to stop and help. Stopping crashes economy. Reminds of Monty Python sketch. Officer of English army in camp..African campaign. Zulus attack. British soldiers die. Officer busy grooming self. Does not notice. Too elite. Too self absorbed. Sketch finishes. Laugh track. Hmph..I smile.
Power corrupts. Seeing it daily. Reminds of French Revolution. Power corrupted. Prices rose. Difference in class grew. Tension grew. People unhappy. Then angry. And hungry. Queen taunts. Refers cake. People furious. Storm Bastille. Guillotine. Blade falls.
Crowd cheers. Head rolls. Curtain falls. Hmph..I brood.
Shit Happened!!!
July 23rd, 2011Ok, so I watched Delhi Belly. I really had to go and see what the hoopla was all about. Curiosity they say killed the cat, but this time the cat was rewarded.
This too happenes due to Delhi Belly. As the taglie says "Shit Happens!" Actually this was the reason the movie happened.
Delhi Belly, in simple terms defines the new standard of awesomeness for Indian Hindi Bollywood cinema.
In the beginning I was a bit skeptical about going to watch it. Considering it has been directed by Abhinay Deo. He of the Game fame. Sadly, I saw that movie too (Does that make me a stalker?).
Anyway, coming back to Delhi Belly. As I said, it defines the awesomeness rules of this era. Kind of similar to what “Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron” did for our ancestors, in a time, long long past.
Like all soon to be cult movies, Delhi Belly hits the bull’s eye many times:
100 Minutes for those with ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)
Now this is something that many like me had been praying for. In this generation when most movies are torrented, and which are then watched from start to end in around 15 to 20
Reason #989034 why women can't reverse properly
minutes with a few clicks of the mouse (or Shift+right direction key if you use the VLC player), sitting in a theater, on not very comfortable seats is mostly for:
And along comes Delhi Belly, which in contrast to the thing it was named from, asks you to sit for only 100 odd minutes. So, you don’t have to play Angry Birds, munch a hole into your pocket, bite your nails, or any other thing to pass the time
Saigal Sings the Blues and other Wacky Hits
Saigal had became an Addict and went into depression after being forced into retirement. But he would soon do a 'Dada' in 2011
Remember the name. He of the nasal voice. The guy who made people scream during live concerts in the late 1940s and early 50s. Then came the Rafis and Kishores and RDs and SDs and he got a bit sidelined. But the legend struck right back at them with a chart topping blues number. Saigal is hot property again with the the song dedicated to water woes of Delhi. The movie has done where many movies have failed, it has relaunched the career graph of Saigal, and last I heard, many people are again downloading his old hits.
And its not just Saigal, but other wacky hits that include a certain Mr Bose, a Chudail and Shopkeepers from Karol Bagh asking Nakkadwallas to do disco.
The music sure is raking in enough moolah to make Ram Sampath sing “Ek Bangla Bane Nyara” in a nasal tone of course.
Orange Juice
Apparently this flick can be a good study on ways to use the humble orange juice besides as a drink. For those who have seen the movie, orange juice will never be the same again. Too bad for the Minute Maid group.
100% Fresh 100% Real. Can be used at both ends
They will have to rethink strategies for Pulpy Orange, because the line “Contains Real Pulp” will certainly not be bringing in people.
Anyway, that is beside the point, orange juice can make a really good substitute for cleaning your ass:
Burka
French government can screw off, the Burka is here to stay. It may be hot, sticky right now, but I am sure Amitabh Bachhan and Shah Rukh Khan will soon have a hair oil and a talcum powder that would make life in Burka a cool trip to the mountains
Expletives Galore and 18+ Truly
The movie uses expletives unapologetically. And still refrains from crossing the ‘Crass’ line. Unlike the comedies that Sajid Khan has been dishing out lately, which attempt to be adult and 18+ but end up being in the list of things banned by the Geneva Convention.
The language is what you are likely to hear everyday in Delhi. From abuses to the photojournalist focusing the camera on a lady’s bosoms. Crazed up situations to the close up shot of a man’s hard on. Crotch scratching fried chicken to liquefied Poo. The movie stretches the genre like no other Indian movie has.
The Reporter Chick
Is it the hair cut or is it the intelligent look?
Poorna Jagannathan is HOT!!!….enough said
First Padma Lakshmi and now her……Damn! I have to move to a Southern Indian City
Overall, a movie that would remain a topic of discussion for a long time. It is a benchmark for other Indian movies now. Personally, I hated it(like I loved it)….please do take note of the use of brackets. Its I hated it but like I loved it in brackets…………………………………….
Ok, I will shut up now
Not Just Hot Air
June 5th, 2011
You always remember your first time as if it happened yesterday. For some it can be an experience they cherish for the rest of their lives. When I look back, I remember the slow soft beginning, like a gentle breeze. It began dal niente. A touch of a feather. Ripples of falling drops. Piano, nay, pianissimo. The instruments playing a sotto voce. And as it moved, the melody paced and slowed. Flirting with the senses. Brewing slowly, a calmando in between heightened the pleasure for what was next to come. A mezzaforte piano. Nothing too loud….and then the tempo began to quicken. A gradual crescendo. Rising to the peak of its climax. The beats entered a fortissimo. The senses sent the signals of bliss through the nerve cells. A high unmatched by most drugs. And then a gradual soft diminuendo. The beats morendo al niente.
And I stood there, speechless, for the sheer sensual pleasure was too much for the mind and the body. A combined assault that had sent most of the hormones into a random frenzy. And the brain was in a tizzy, not knowing how to control or whether to just let go. The Cerebrum and Cerebellum tangled with each other in a perplexing contortion.
Not just me but most who hear the “Stairway to Heaven” will agree to the above said description. Though written a few decades ago, it still has the power to send the listener in an orgasmic trance. Such is the power of music and especially if the ones making it are the Led Zeppelin.
Think Led Zep and you are bound to think Rock and Roll. Yes, they were, are and will be one of the greatest ever, but to say that they only that would be a rude slap to their genius. They found music everywhere. And for many of their songs they sought inspirations other than Rock and Roll. And the fusion that they created, sends most on a musical high.
The preference for Led Zeppelin stems mainly from the kind of situation that you are mentally present in. For me, Kashmir would probably be the all
time favourite. There’s something about Plant’s voice that sends even the most controlled individuals into frenzy. Other songs include Stairway to Heaven – if you haven’t heard of the song, or if you haven’t heard the song then you’re probably still awaiting puberty, In my time of Dying which is that classic song about death that every band needs to have, no matter how cheerful they may try to be. Custard Pie is a song that I would like every guy to dedicate to the girl they love, it definitely cheers me up when I listen to it! The song I can’t quit you baby has something sinister about its lyrics, describing the kind of destructive love that everyone hopes to find but is too afraid to ask for. Also one should try to get their hands on the live in concert versions of the songs where Robert Plant lucidly creates a delicious melange of conversation and songs, as he talks to the listeners and sings along. It’s bound to send every listener into another dimension.
Formed in 1968, the group had their first jam session below a record store in Gerard Street in London. They consisted of singer Robert Plant, drummer John Bonham, guitarist Jimmy Page and bassist John Paul Jones. However, at that time they called themselves The New Yardbirds (The Yardbirds was the name of the blues rock band that Jimmy Page had joined in 1966) and they completed an entire Scandinavian tour with that name. After The Yardbirds expressed their concerns over the name, they decided that it was time for a change and funnily enough, they wanted to call themselves “lead balloon”. To further stress on the effect of the name, and also to prevent people from pronouncing it as “leed”, they arrived on the name “Led Zeppelin” and in the October of 1968, Led Zeppelin became official.
In the years between 1968 and 1970, Led Zeppelin had toured extensively all around the United States and United Kingdom, completing four concerts each in both the countries. They were making money and becoming famous, albeit notorious. From performing in ballrooms and clubs to progressing to auditoriums, they were rocking UK and US. Of course the excessive touring did fuel a lot of stories about their erratic behaviour, which included rumours of them throwing televisions out of hotel rooms (I guess television was pathetic even in 1968).
The Albums
Their first two albums, Led Zeppelin I and Led Zeppelin II were considered path breaking albums in the world of heavy metal, literally laying down the guidelines for other bands. Led Zeppelin II was an even greater success, reaching number 1 position in the US and UK charts. However, their third album, Led Zeppelin III surprised everyone with its acoustic, rustic sound. Many critics failed to understand the band’s versatility, the sounds were inspired from the time that Page and Plant spent in a cottage in Wales after the release of their second album. As time passed, the album gained momentum and was regarded as another masterpiece by the band. What really gave the band it’s distinction was their resistance to television appearances, thereby leaving the fans thirsting to attend their live concerts (they hated the television anyway I guess).
Their fourth album, was left untitled, as the band wanted to prove that there was no need to commercialise themselves or have extravagant music launches for attaining fan following. The album is referred to as Led Zeppelin IV (I don’t think they wanted to spend too much time thinking about album names) and they were proved right. Led Zeppelin IV was one of the best-selling albums in history, selling 23 million copies. Their subsequent albums: Houses of the Holy and Physical Graffiti, which prompted the Rolling Stones magazine to call them the “World’s Best Rock Band”, although they were competing with The Who.
Led Zep have always been known to walk the path less travelled. They created their own individual style that made them stand out from the crowd. Their music has an ethereal quality unmatched by many groups. So, if next time you see someone looking as if he/she was in a trance, with earphones attached. It necessary may not be the effect of hashish or LSD, it might be that the stuff being played through the earphones is a Led Zep hit.
Doctors and the Forces
May 23rd, 2011Two opposite words you say? No, dear sirs and madams, I was not attempting to add on to the already bursting list of oxymorons. Some of the newest entries to this list include and I quote “Singing Sensation Bieber” “Sophisticated Sonam” “Diva Mallika” amongst others. Since, I have already made it clear, along with examples, of what I wish not to refer to, let me now come back to the point I do wish to refer to.
So, yes, where were we?
Talking about Doctors and the forces you fucking retard.
Now, now…no abusing please. This is a family blog I am writing for. Please excuse my split personality. He is a bit….
Move on will you, dick face.
……errr….short tempered. So, anyway, since the last 23 years of my existence on this earth, I have seen mostly these two. Reasons being a) Most of the people in my family are in the forces and b) Most of the people in my house (read parents and grandfather) are doctors.
And trust me, hell can not be worse. Plus, I have reasons to believe, there are some 72 odd virgins there per person. Which Mr. Psycho here….
WTF did you call me?
…would enjoy a lot. Please, don’t mind him, he comes out from time to time. The most ridiculous thing about an Army life is moving around. Trust me, ...its a bitch...…yes precisely. Just when you had comfortably settled in one place, and were now hating the place quite comfortably, some…err…asshole....at the top brass decides to spoil your party. It is a such a drag. After spending so much time looking around the city, hating every nook and corner of it and its people, and finally when you are ready to settle down and be miserable and curse everyone for sending you there, you are told to move. And the vicious circle continues.
Now combine that with the fact that your Gynaecologist mother was home, so one also has to shift between parents. Anyway, having a gynaecologist for mother is fun. The books at home with big pictures ensured that I was the cool kid in class who had the answer to the questions of all his maturing colleagues. Sometimes, some stuff I made up. But the disadvantage, this had, was that everyone thought that having a Gynaecologist for a mother gave me a free pass to..errr…..bang....every other girl. Since, mum dear would take care if any bulge would begin to develop. I did try to ride that view for some time (read 5 minutes), but all I got was a kick on my groin and a broken derrière.
With an Army lifestyle, comes discipline. Which is taken to an extreme. Especially if you also have two generals and plenty of colonels around. Family get together are usually despised by all, I just despised it a bit more. Most of all the parade session. Celebrating Diwali was somewhat similar to training for an obstacle course, going through enemy lines and planting a bomb to destroy a target. And Holi…. Tell me, how many of you have had heated discussions on the dinner table, with a sketched map of the local terrain (read housing society) stretched on it, about the strategy to be used and the best points of ambush? This was followed by an early morning wake up call on the big day, mission briefing and tactics formation.
Now, the handwriting of a doctor is legendary. They say, only a chemist can fathom what is written on the prescription slip. Though I stay with doctors, even I have problem deciphering the patterns, the ink leaves on paper. But I did try an experiment, when I asked my mother to write down “I am a gynae” 5 times on a piece of paper and took it to a grocery store. The store owner, looked at it, re-looked, twisted his features in a weird concoction, looked at me, re-re-looked at it. Nodded intelligently. Went inside. And came back with a bag of chips, three sodas and a carton of milk.
But the plenitude of experience taught me how to make up stories at the spur of the moment. I had to, to escape some rather tough situations. Especially when I was caught watching…
…Porn….yeah…man that was awesome. And can you believe the reaction of this guy when he first saw pussy . “Ooooh…so this is how it looks uncut.”..retard.
Well, I had only seen pics in the gynae book till then. Moreover it was your fault that we were watching it. And please let us keep this post as clean as possible. And why can’t you call it ‘that thing’ instead of the word you used?
Yeah…go on..saint cunt.
Please, I am really sorry. So, I was talking about the stories. Yes. So I once had to tell something about what I did during vacations in school. I had done nothing ex
cept crib and be mis
erable, but I had to say something there. Fucking Education system. ..Err..yes so I made up a gory ode about a hernia operation I had supposedly witnessed. Which resulted in many barfing throughout the room. I still don’t know why. It was a good story, and it made me hungry.
Other than that, there was once we gave some friends, dog food to eat, claiming it was a new brand of Hajmola…so what happened was…
..Oh Shut Up will you…..no one is going to read the shit you wrote anyway. Me me me…screwed up Narcissist.
OK..I stop here. But, I believe, it will be rather abrupt. Suddenly stopping without a warning. It breaks the flow of both the reader and the writer.
Aaargh…Shut Up….. Just Shut Your Mouth.
Yes..yes..I am shutting up. But please do listen to my point…
Click BANG
Breaking News: The body of a a 23 year old was found. He was shot at point blank range, in the mouth. Though no signs of any broken entry or violence are present, the neighbours claim they heard two men fighting. More as we hear from the police……
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Ishaqzaade – Welcome to the Disneyfication of Bollywood Posted on May 12, 2012 -
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The Chat Room – A Past Revisited Posted on May 10, 2012
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Things never to say to a girl Posted on Jan 26, 2011 -
Facebook Activism Posted on Jan 26, 2011 -
Saas-bahu tales in classrooms Posted on Feb 16, 2011
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THE TEENAGERS – STUPIDITY GALORE! Posted on Jan 29, 2011 -
Common-man – A Superhero is Born Posted on Apr 3, 2012 -
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7 places to have SEX! Posted on Feb 3, 2012
