These Guys Deserve Bharat Ratna Too

Lately, there have been a lot of debates concerning the recently conferred Bharat Ratna on Sachin Tendulkar. Some factions have emerged backing the case of Major Dhyanchand and questioning whether Sachin really deserves to be awarded with highest civilian honor …

collage These Guys Deserve Bharat Ratna Too

Lately, there have been a lot of debates concerning the recently conferred Bharat Ratna on Sachin Tendulkar. Some factions have emerged backing the case of Major Dhyanchand and questioning whether Sachin really deserves to be awarded with highest civilian honor of the country. Regardless of the outcome of these debates and with utmost respect to Sachin, I would like to bring up some names that deserve the honour in the same capacity for their service and huge contribution in their respective fields.

These guys deserve Bharat Ratna too…

Rahul Gandhi (Politics and Comedy)
Dubbed as the next PM since the day he was born, he has single handedly saved half the Facebook pages that were on the verge of extinction. He has already broken the record of oldest “youth icon”. His election speeches have been giving tough competition to Comedy Nights with Kapil.  It has also come to notice that Indira Gandhi suggested her own name for Bharat Ratna as Prime Minister of India. Few people are speculating that she had proposed Rahul’s good name for this honour before she left us. He deserves a Bharat Ratna for the immense selfless contribution in the revival of the TRPs of news channels showing his gaffes in continuous loops.

Digvijay Singh (Medicine and Entertainment)
Politics has been a dull sport from the days of Chanakya. Shri Digvijay Singh has changed the perception of media towards political parties’ media spokespersons and he can be credited with the houseful attendance in press conferences. He has set a benchmark for idiocy which is now considered as breakthrough in the mental asylums as they use the newly calibrated ‘Digvijay Scale of Brain Damage’ to admit patients. He deserves a Bharat Ratna for inspiring the invention.

Bharat Ratna These Guys Deserve Bharat Ratna TooAsaram Bapu (Social Service and Inspiration)
A wannabe Pornstar, Asaram was forced to choose a different career path early in his life due to some unfortunate circumstances. But when an opportunity came knocking, he gave his best shot. His dream came true and he was the center of attention before he was found guilty of pursuing two extremely challenging and conflicting careers simultaneously. He may be serving his term, but one cannot take away the fact that he took the road less travelled and left a trail for others to follow and be inspired. He deserves a Bharat Ratna for being an idol to all other Godmen.

Yo Yo Honey Singh (Music and Art)
The golden era of music and lyrics dawned long before but Honey Singh made sure it was burnt and cremated multiple times. He can be credited with objectifying and offending women time and again. Somewhere between Brown eyes and Blue eyes, music’s mother and sister became one. Undoubtedly, he deserves a Bharat Ratna for single-handedly downgrading lyrics multiple notches below the acceptable level of crap.

Vivek Oberoi (haseen sapnon ke liye)
This name needs no introduction. He is the heavyweight of the Hindi Film Industry. So much has been his fan following that Saudi Arabia has banned the existence of movie theatres in his honour since the very first day his arrival on the big screen was announced. Heath Ledger saw Vivek Oberoi compare his Joker with Kaal in the future dikhane wali machine designed by Dr. Rohit Mehra (arre Krishh wala yaar) and suffered a drug overdose to deal with the anxiety (the greatest loss of Hollywood industry). Bollywood has a special place booked in hell by virtue of being associated with the name “Vivek Oberoi”. I demand that he be awarded the Bharat Ratna for his unparalleled contribution.

The list can grow longer. But we shall give you a break to digest these names before we give you any further shocks. Peace. Bharat ratna for all.

When Rahul Gandhi went to watch Sachin

The nation is now acquainted with the fact that when our royal baby (*cough* 43 years old) entered the stadium with all his swag and charm, people chanted Modi Modi! Yo rahul confused as to what exactly was happening! Campusghanta …

rahul gandhi watching day two of ind wi match 0 When Rahul Gandhi went to watch SachinThe nation is now acquainted with the fact that when our royal baby (*cough* 43 years old) entered the stadium with all his swag and charm, people chanted Modi Modi! Yo rahul confused as to what exactly was happening! Campusghanta had an exclusive chat with Rahul gandhi who seemed perplexed as shit! We ordered some orange barfi for the ace politician but he refused saying he is highly communal for him to eat anything orange. When we said it was from a Dalit’s house, he ravenously gobbled up the whole tray. Here is how that day progressed.

10:10 AM. RaGa enters stadium. Is trolled by Modi Modi chant
Rahul was flummoxed when everybody started chanting Modi Modi as he entered the stadium. He was seen checking his beard time and again to see whether it was overgrown and resembled Modi’s. He was utterly confused and was seen checking his attire if it had any saffron traces. He was seen asking people if he entered a Modi rally by mistake.

10:40 AM. Seen asking “Which one is Team India?”
Since everyone was wearing white, Rahul baba got confused as to which team is India. He secretly admitted that he was cheering Sachiiiin Sachiiiin just because everyone was. He was merely following their lead. He spent around 3 hours trying to figure out which team was batting. On top of it all, names like Shivnaraine Chandrapaul confused him even further.

11:30 AM. “Hey look! Sreesanth!”
Rahul Gandhi was heard shouting-Look Sreesanth on the field! Yayy! Apparently there was a dude with a towel strapped to his waist and was serving drinks to the team. Later he laughed and said My bad! That’s Ranbir Kapoor. We explained that was not him. Later after meticulous obesrvation, he concluded it was Salman Khan. He ordered a towel and did the towel dance to prove himself (Mujhse Shaadi Karoge song-Jeene ke hai chaar din) Our reporter literally rolled on the floor and cried.

01:00 PM. “What is a bookie?”
He told us he had read about the Sreesanth fiasco but was unsure what a bookie was. We explained in detail what the whole incident and took in writing that he will not ask any more doubts. Our reporter apparently fainted after suffering a blow to his IQ when RaGa told him he thought a bookie was a person who played Book Cricket.

The reporter is all right now and has entered the BJP to seek his vendetta.

Sachin Tendulkar and the Mass Effect

The man needs no introduction. Such has been His aura that he overshadowed all other Sachins in all spheres of life. The mere mention of His name in a crowded place sends everyone in a frenzy, hopeful eyes start searching …

Sachin Tendulkar 1 Sachin Tendulkar and the Mass Effect

The man needs no introduction. Such has been His aura that he overshadowed all other Sachins in all spheres of life. The mere mention of His name in a crowded place sends everyone in a frenzy, hopeful eyes start searching for one glance of the master, but out emerges an 8 year old kid named Sachin by His parents hoping someday he will replicate His scores (yes, capital H for the God). He inspired his young fans to be polite, clean and dedicated as He took the high road when his team was in turmoil, engulfed in the betting scandal. Two decades of memories and thundering cheers are about to calm down. A religion is about to lose its deity. His is a name synonymous with the game itself. He makes it look easy.

The master has served the nation, inspired a generation of cricketers and unified the country like never before. Here’s how He has affected the country…

1. Population control…
For the 20-odd years he played cricket, not much sex happened when he batted and he batted for so loooong. His career has contributed more towards population control than the multi-crores spent on awareness campaigns. India would have surpassed China’s population years ago had it not been for Sachin Tendulkar.

 2. The Bharat bandhs
Strikes have been a striking feature of our democratic model. Political parties, trade unions have been pursuing it as a hobby for years. Har doosre din koi na koi rooth kar bandh ka elaan kar deta hai. Unintentionally, Sachin has also done the same, but unlike the above mentioned bandh, not one soul complained when Sachin was on the ground. Corporate offices reported loss of productivity, students bunked colleges and people stayed home to see the genius at work. There have been multiple ‘public holidays’ thanks to Him.

 3. A complete package of cricket tutorials
If today, India has strong bench strength, we owe it to Sachin. The Kohlis, Pujaras, Sehwags of today padded up because Sachin inspired them to. They learnt cricket observing their idol, attempting to master that perfect cover drive, on drive, straight drive, back-foot punches He played so effortlessly. Sachin is the complete package of tutorials of any orthodox cricketing shot ever played. Watch and learn, as is the mantra. This won’t change for ages to come.

 4. Studies are everything – the mythbuster
Believe it or not, India is a country obsessed with percentages, 90% specifically. We grew up listening to taunts that our life will be over if we fail to get above 90. “naukri nahi milegi fir rote rehna.” ‘Sachin’ was the sole counter-argument in our defense. Education is important, but not the only thing in the world as the master demonstrated. A misconception that books are the only form of education, Sachin’s career is a subject in itself. A typical quip from the commentary box – “Sachin is a student of the game.” So be it.

5. The super-glue of unification
Cast, creed, race, colour, age never mattered when it came to cheering for Sachin. Never before has a man unified such diverse cultures without even uttering a word, although His bat did the talking. An auto driver and his passengers cheered together loudly at every shot while random strangers asked each other if Sachin was still playing; grandfather with his radio, father with his TV set and the son with His laptop refreshing the Cricinfo page – all hooked onto their respective gadgets to hear and watch the master and His finesse… these images are worth cherishing for a lifetime.

6. The elegant assassin
Sachin has been destroying bowlers careers since He first came onto bat. He has single-handedly massacred the entire opposition bowling lineups on numerous occasions. He has terrified bowling greats like Shane Warne and commands respect from every bowler. Every team when playing India made sure to put well thought plans in place – plan A for India and plans B – Z for Sachin. When he plays the elegant drives all over the park, a bowler, in reality, enjoys his bowling figures being murdered so brutally.

“Bowl to Sachin when you are confident that you know everything about bowling and you will realise you know nothing.”

664 international matches. 34,357 runs. 164 fifties. 100 hundreds.. well.. Superman wasn’t fiction after all. Cricket is a religion and Sachin the God. An era is dawning; the bright sun that shone for 20 long years will set one final time this month. He has been denying the fact but it’s a statement now – His name is bigger than the game, at least for the million fans.

Take a bow, master!!

Sachin Tendulkar in the Dirty Political Pit

As the Master Blaster- Sachin Tendulkar – starts a new innings in the political field , we wonder whether this was the best idea to begin with? Will he succeed?

The nomination of God of cricket, Sachin Tendulkar to the Rajya Sabha has become a controversy and a matter of hot debate for quite a while now. This surely cannot  be a ‘without warning’ nomination and his consent would obviously have been obtained before the declaration of the much hyped nomination. And well, his visit to 10, Janpath definitely clears any doubts left for that matter. So it seems that the only man on the planet  to have scored a century of centuries, might start a different sort of innings in life.

27sachin inside Sachin Tendulkar in the Dirty Political Pit

An image from the future (we decided to exclude the weird hairstyle)

Although it is a so-called apolitical nomination, it clearly has ulterior political motives attached to it and is derived out and out due to politically motivated reasons. In a country where cricket is treated as a religion and Sachin Tendulkar as God, anybody can clearly imagine the benefits his association can bring out to the ruling party which has been overshadowed by the corruption, scandals and scams. Mr Tendulkar would mean heavy votes for the party. He could be used to strengthen the shaky grounds and manipulate the masses. The master blaster has consciously or unconsciously left his popularity, respect and brand image to be exploited by the Congress to fulfill their interests.

Mr. Tendulkar would need to have a clear understanding about issues of national and international importance, of local and community interests. The gentleman known for his polite ways would no longer be able to shrug his shoulders easily and avoid commenting on sensitive or controversial issues. He would have to set his vocal cords working loudly and efficiently. The world would be glued to what causes he support and what he doesn’t, weather he opposes the fuel price hike, what does he think about the Lokpal bill, what does Agni V mean to him and lots more. He is a man followed by millions so it is definitely not going to be a cakewalk for him to live upto his image after a political pitfall.

280412satish Sachin Tendulkar in the Dirty Political Pit

An appropriate comic by Satish Acharya

Also, his  appointment as the member of the “House of Elders” (not literally) would demand a constant commitmentand time  from him to do justice to his job as an MP. So it is highly questionable whether he would be able to spare enough time to handle politics unless and until he decides to take a farewell from the field and completely dip his hands into politics.

The little master definitely deserves a Bharat Ratna for his mind blowing achievements in the world of sports but the vicious world of politics seems too complex for  his comprehensions. How’s that??

The Phoenix Named Ganguly

What is it about Sourav Ganguly that never lets him give up, despite the numerous hurdles he has faced in his cricketing career ? Here’s our tribute to the man.

“Hi, mera naam Sourav Ganguly hai. Bhoole to nahin?” Can anyone forget this ad which Pepsi made when Dada was out of the team? In his own style, Ganguly announced to the world that he would be making a comeback very soon and he did. Try as hard as you might, you can never forget his name. If Sachin has been proclaimed as God, Dravid the Wall, Laxman as the Magician, Dhoni as the Boy of Destiny then Ganguly is the leader – Dadagiri style!

Sourav Ganguly is perhaps the only player who has toyed with his fate, tempting it to turn its back on him, only to rise from the ashes and stun the world with his performances.

article 0 0148554F000004B0 719 634x402 The Phoenix Named Ganguly

Ganguly batting against England at Trent Bridge, 2007

Dubbed as the God on the “off-side”, Dada has always done something that nobody would expect of him under normal circumstances. You throw him out of the team, he would come back and score the highest runs. Give him some talented but directionless cricketers and he would produce a team that would win Test matches anywhere in the world. You tell him he can’t play bouncers, well he would score a hundred on a greentop.

England had leveled an ODI series against India 3-3 and Andrew Flintoff had charged topless around the Wankhede stadium. However, in a fitting reply, a few months later Ganguly was delivering the mother of all cold revenge dishes it took sometime before we could grasp the enormity of the defiance.

Although he played in the era of Sachin and Dravid, he made sure his name was taken with these legends. Unfortunately, people have never missed an opportunity to mock him but he never took it in a negative way but instead he used it as a catalyst to improve his performance. His century at headingly and brisbane are sought to be the ceturies which changed the whole complexion of Indian cricket.

His style of leadership was something nobody had seen before. Full of aggression, giving organised hell back to the oppositiong (whoever the team might be). If we call this the best phase of Indian cricket then Dada is to be awarded credit for it. He made sure Indian cricket was taken seriously worldwide. It can be rightly said that “Dada was the Best captain of the Indian Cricket Team whereas Dhoni is the captain of the Best Indian Cricket Team”.

The present scenario: The other day Delhi Daredevils were making a mockery of Pune Warriors’ bowling attack in the ganguly kp wkt 1 350 042112114829 The Phoenix Named Ganguly IPL. Sehwag was brutal and Kevin Peterson was just getting warmed up. In came the change. Saurav Ganguly gave his cap to the umpire. KP was going to launch a full blooded assault on Dada but on the very first delivery, he uprooted KP’s off stump and went for a 100 meter dash (special mention to the ‘hair-raising’ moment).

May 5, 2012, is going to be The Match between Pune Warriors India and Kolkata Knight Riders at Eden Gardens and it’s going to be a cracker of a match not just for cricketing reasons. Dada was not handed the best treatment at SRK’s team when he was the captain of KKR but now in the absence of Yuvraj Singh, he has made yet another comeback as PWI captain and it would be interesting to see if the Prince of Kolkata can take give back some of the fire to his former team owner, Shah Rukh Khan.

 

The Secret Diary of Sachin

Another diary entry here from the little Master himself where he describes his views on everything that transpired over the past few days.

AAILA !

What a fantastic win in hockey yesterday. And sigh, sad day for cricket. Tornadoes are hitting us from all sides and in my case, missiles! 100th ton kab aeyega yaar… I’m going crazy!

Was so full of energy and positivity yesterday but Brett Lee ruined my day by obstructing my path and causing my run out. I hope he is kidnapped by a pack of Twilight-obsessed teenage girls.

Sachin+Tendulkar+Australia+v+India+First+Test+cZymSq6ioZFl The Secret Diary of Sachin

Mera number kab aayega?

But you know diary, what’s irritating me the most is the Dhoni-Viru spat. I mean it’s becoming ridiculous. Saala they are behaving like SRK-Salman and asking all others to take sides. To top it all, when I said in a team meeting that I won’t take any sides and I am friends with both, people compared me to (hold your breath)Karan Johar. Yes, I agree KJo is also friends with both SRK and Sallu but comparing me, ME to that pinky? Can ‘God’ be gay? Sigh. One year ago they were comparing me to wine – getting better with age etc. And now? KJo. Jammaila saale.

Anyhow about my 100th ton. In this case, shit has not only hit the roof; it has penetrated it and reached the cosmos. In fact, I can imagine little Martians curiously observing it right now. No idea when it will happen. I have tried everything diary, you know. Even those “chamatkaari babas”. One of them gave me some black cream and asked me to apply that all over my body just before batting. Sadly, that didnt help in 100th ton. Worse, it waxed my entire body! No wonder morons are comparing me to KJo. This 100th ton is a monkey on my back. A big, fat, irritating, horny monkey- one which is always ready to fuck without condoms.

aa The Secret Diary of Sachin

No! My world is not pink.

As far as Australia tour is concerned, its as good as over. Some last minute shopping and off I go. We are not going to make the finals anyway. I just want to go home and ask BCCI to organize a bilateral series against Zimbabwe and prepare a ridiculously flat pitch at Wankhede. That way I can get the asshole (monkey) off my asshole and concentrate on the next world cup in 2015.

Sigh. Got to go now. Dhoni just called. As part of team building exercises, guys have decided to watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. Sadistic Bastards.

Aaila and out .

SECRET DIARY OF DHONI

Who is Dhoni? The Indian captain is fabled to have the midas touch. Know his true self. How does he think? What propels his success? Read his diary which team CG found out.

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dhoni1 685x1024 SECRET DIARY OF DHONI

Brisbane, 20th Feb 2012

Sigh. Yet another loss. I cant take this anymore!! I just cant. I mean it’s so insulting to lose 3 chess games in a row against Viru! That dim-witted ass!

In other news, we lost yet another ODI against the Aussies. Meh. This is generic and frankly it’s getting predictable and quite annoying. All these news channels criticize us cricketers so brutally man! Too much, I say! And those moronic news anchors? Diary, they shout so hysterically while “analyzing”  as if a pack of rabid wolves is gnawing on their limbs.

You know, I don’t actually see the point in me being criticised. I won the T20 & ODI World Cups and this is the gratitude I receive? So what if we have lost eight tests in a row on foreign soil? It’s not like I have been caught watching porn in dressing room (BTW those Karnataka won’t-watch-porn-at-home-but-on-national-television ministers – FUCKING STUPID!).

Coming back to the losses. I fully blame that on the number 100! Saala, Paaji ki 100th century ne gaand maar rakhi hai sabki! It has put so much pressure, so much pressure. To make matters worse, Anna Hazare called Paaji yesterday and depressed him further by comparing the 100th ton to Lokpal. After the conversation, Paaji was convinced ki ab toh ho chuki century!

Sigh. The only good news is that my ad-ventures are still intact. Infact I signed a new one just yesterday… some butt lubricant something. The company representative was convinced that its the perfect product to endorse right now considering how badly opposition teams are fucking our asses!

You know diary… I feel like a  lonely man nowadays. You know that famous saying na that success has many fathers but failures fucks you alone. Whatever. Point is that nothing is going right. Take yesterday night’s case. I thought I will watch some porn ..you know.. to relax. But as soon as I open the damn clip on my laptop, wifey walks in and sees me having ‘fun’! She totally freaked out and called me names which can all be summarized under one category – Super ‘beeps’. KLPD…literally! Sigh.

Khair, jo bhi hai. I have to pick myself and the team up man! Its all getting out of control. Some concrete steps are urgently required… like praying to God for Paaji’s 100th ton soon! And ofcourse, dropping Viru. Saala, his batting nowadays has gotten so bad that it makes Muttiah Muralidharan look like a master stroke-player! No wonder all those jokes about him “not being able to hold his bat longer”.. if you know what I mean.

Chalo diary, got to go. Will watch some porn for now. And this time, not to relax. Wifey is too angry for anything so watching porn is like the only fuckin option for a little fun. And after that I promise…. practice session for atleast an hour! I cant afford to lose another game…. of chess, that is, against Viru. So full on chess practice. May be some online chess against a silly computer. Cool. Done!

Chalo diary bye. The youporn clip “Big booby Sexy Mallu Aunty getting it on with hubby’s friend” has almost downloaded. Yeah baby!

pixel SECRET DIARY OF DHONI